Married to the Core Book

Married to the core book: Intro: My family used to farm 3000 apple trees in northern California. I'll always remember the crisp, cool mornings and the fresh clean air, while tending the orchard near the foot of Mount Shasta, an expression of God's majesty. After harvest, we would walk through the orchard looking for the apples we missed. Those were the ones that stayed on the tree longer and were the sweetest. We grew many varieties of apples, but my favorite tree-ripened apple was the Macintosh. I know they are primarily used for cooking due to their tart flavor, but when you get one that is sweeter from the tree-ripening process, combined with its tart nature….amaaaazing. I haven't met very many people in my life that didn't like apples, but their interest usually is in the exterior – that juicy flesh just below the skin.

If you think about it, the real potential of the apple lies in its core. The seeds in the core of the apple represent thousands of apple trees and millions of apples. As far as potential goes, the overwhelming majority of it lies in the apple's core. The same is true with your spouse.

At the core of the one you married are the God-given seeds of destiny...passions, beliefs and strengths, just to name a few. You get to sit center stage in the production of their life, cheering them on and drawing the best out of them. This is one of the most substantive ways to love your spouse — by honoring the values and gifts that God has placed in his/her heart. Chapter 1 The Adventure in Marriage

"Behold, God is mighty but does not despise any; He is mighty in strength of understanding. (Job 36:5)

When you looked your spouse in the eye and said I do, you were making a covenant with what was on the inside — the very core of their being. Now don't get me wrong. The externals are wonderful. While beauty is definitely something to behold and appreciated, it is what is on the inside that we make covenant with.

What we believe to be truth, the way our emotions are connected to the truths we hold dear, how we define present experience based on past experience and what we are good at and how we leverage that into certain circumstances and situations. All of this makes up the core of our being. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart with diligence, for from it flows the springs of life.” It is from the treasure of our hearts that we live our lives and interact with each other.

It is where we experience joy, hope, peace, frustration and the full gamut of our emotions. Who we are on the inside determines how we view others, our ability to trust, how we function, and how we respond. Whether our experiences in life are positive or negative, it's what's on the inside that determines our happiness in the long run. Likewise, it is what is at the core of our being that determines the condition of our marriage in the long run.

I know it is traditional in our culture to spend thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars on the externals, and pay very little attention to what's on the inside. We start with the wedding and all of its expense and spend very little time and money in preparing our hearts for the commitment we are about to make. After that we move on to homes, cars and clothes, and struggled to carve out the time to grow personally and also spend with our spouse in meaningful communication. Captain James T Kirk of the Starship Enterprise once said, “Space — the final frontier.” I beg to differ. While the heart of God is our first frontier, then the heart of our spouse would be our final frontier.

This is what puts the adventure in marriage. Now listen guys, before you start reacting negatively to this thought as being a little too touchy-feely consider this; Men have conquered lands, built cities and lead people in the pursuit of ideas with their ability to understand the human condition in others. Job 36:5 says, “…God is mighty in the strength of understanding”. This scripture could also say, God is mighty in the strength of understanding the core of your being or issues of the heart. If that's how God operates, then maybe I should place a high value on understanding others as well. Your spouse is more deserving of your understanding than anyone else. As we desired to know the heart of God in our Christian faith, it is my prayer that you would embrace the heart of your spouse as a journey into a frontier to be discovered. This is a great way to love someone.

I know the frustrations with your spouse in the past might cause you to ask the question, “What is going on in there?” When you are trying to figure out, “What in the world are they thinking?” I want to challenge you to ask the question out of curiosity, “I wonder what is going on in there?”

This book is designed to give you the necessary tools to dig for that treasure in the heart of your spouse. We will call them Core Communication Skills. These tools are: Listening to the Core = The things that really matter from deep inside. Core Questions = Questions that draw the treasure out of someone you love.

Core Agreement = When your hearts unite in thought and purpose it generates a position of strength that can accomplish great things. God bless you on your journey, and let the gold rush begin.

Chapter 2 Our Core Reactor There are some things we need to understand if we are going to engage the thought processes in this book. We were created with amazing resilience. Think about it. We were designed to live in a world without all of the dysfunction and frailty we experience on a regular basis.

The real truth is we were all raised in a fallen world by fallen parents with fallen friends, family, teachers and acquaintances. While growing up we experience an aggressive consistent attack on our identity.

To compensate for this God placed something deep within every person – the will to survive. When our identity, self-esteem or emotional well-being is attacked, our defense mechanisms kick in. We react with our reactors…walls go up and emotional force fields turn on. Then our responses take the form of placing the blame on others, pointing out the flaws in others, anger, withdrawal, or defending our own frailty with excuses. In most cases this is pure emotional instinct. Many of our communication skills we learn in this season of our lives.

We rarely apply logic or forethought to our communication strategy. It is in this immature context we develop our communication methods. Underneath all of it is that instinct for self-preservation that is screaming louder than we all realize.

It causes us to impulsively respond in unhealthy ways that never yield positive results.

Here are the impulse stages most people will go through to protect their core. Core Breach You have attacked my identity with accusation or blame. I tend to take things personally. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were concerned for a friend but didn't want to have that “conversation” because you knew they would be offended? Like us, other people can be hard to approach. Even with the best of intentions people can be offended when they feel they are being challenged.

Core Reaction It couldn't possibly be my fault. My insecurity can't take that kind of a hit. When we are offended we mount a defense. There is no law of the universe that says we have to be offended and no one is holding a gun to our heads requiring us to be. That must mean it is a choice. I Corinthians 13 mmttdemands a better way, “Love does not notice a suffered wrong.” Even if the motive is wrong in the accusation, we have the freedom to choose the right response or remain in the bondage of insecurity and respond out of self preservation. Core Meltdown The fight that will have no victory ensues. You are going to understand me if it kills me (and you and our marriage).

This just does not work. I have several couples through my office every week caught in this endless and fruitless attempt at communication. I ask every one of them what kind of results they get — of course I know the answer or they wouldn't be in my office. They are stuck. They can't find the peace and agreement they instinctively long for in their marriage.

Meanwhile their bond is slowly eroding. Core shut down Withdraw and pull away into the fog of discontent. The bond is broken. The very thing you are married to has been shut down with no access. The bible says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” that would be the core of your spouse. No access; no bonding is available.

Chapter 3 This is more likely a continuation of chap 2

The Amazing Core Our basic instinct is self-preservation. I need to save myself from the war this world has declared on me and without Jesus that is a good strategy. It is the only strategy. When we meet Jesus we are challenged with a whole new way of thinking. He Said, “If you are going to come after me you must deny yourself, take up your cross (that means die to yourself) and follow me.” I could be wrong, but I don't really see any self-preservation in that statement.

John the Baptist said, “He must increase I must decrease.” I must decrease…really? I have spent my whole life trying to save myself from the pain this world has to offer and Jesus tells me, “If I try to save my life I will lose it.” This is beyond counter-intuitive; it is contrary to every instinct of survival I have ever known. Most of my primary communication skills are based on this defective strategy that will ultimately lead to my demise. We see a better way when Jesus goes further to say, “If you are willing to lose your life for His sake you will find life.” This is the ultimate; God is saying to us, “Trust Me.” Jesus said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” The bible says, “He will complete the work He has begun in you.” The Psalms say, “His righteousness goes before you and His glory is your rear guard,” “He makes me to lie down in green pasture and restores my soul.” “His loving-kindness is from everlasting to everlasting.” When we mount a defense on our own behalf we are telling God, “I have to take this one God, because I don't trust You to have my back.” “Trust the Lord with all your heart and don't lean on your own understanding.” (Or self defense) I have a question for you.

What are you defending? You are as week, frail and fallen as the rest of us. There is nothing to defend. The apostle Paul figured this out when he said, “Nothing good dwells within me.” (Rom. 7:18) I ask you again, (imagine here slightly elevated volume) “what are you defending?” Think of all the wasted energy we spend defending the indefensible. When God considered all of mankind He concluded, “There is nothing to defend.” That's why He sent His Son to die for all of us. Seriously, we are so lame. Anything good about us is because of Jesus. You and I both know we are supposed to humbly trust God in any given situation.

Even though we might embrace the truth that we are frail creatures filled with flaws, in the heat of a moment it can be hard to apply this truth to a specific situation. We can't abandon our thoughts to consider someone else's for fear that a piece of us might slip away. The reality is that anything about you of worth was woven into you in the womb by God and can't be taken away.

His “gifts and callings are irrevocable.” Have you ever been in a situation where someone was caught in the wrong and everyone in the room knew they were wrong as they dug their hole deeper and deeper with all of their pathetic excuses (I am sure we look this way to God on many occasions) and the whole conversation went from awkward to crazy uncomfortable and every one wishes this person would just repent so they could be forgiven and restored so everyone could leave and go home but they can't because they love this person and know the only thing that stands between them and their freedom from themselves is their repentance. It is this mindset we are going to have to renounce if a core conversation is going to have a chance of working. If I can trust God with my own needs, desires and cares only then can I position myself to be consumed with the heart of God concerning the people He has placed in my life. Paul said, “How I long for you all with the affections of Christ.”

I am asking you to embrace others by abandoning yourself. Allow the truth to set you free to embrace the core of your spouse by trusting God with everything you are and are called to be. God doesn't want us to be encumbered with caring for ourselves. He wants us to be impassioned about caring for others. Our spouse is first on the list.

Even when we are wrong, even when we are screwed up, God still sees the value in us. Realize here that God does not equate our frailty with our value? That's not how He operates. If the diamond has inclusions, it is worth less; and if the furniture has damage, it is worth less. Our true value is not based on the things of the flesh but by the things of the spirit.

All that stuff on the inside. Jesus said, “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?” Do you realize the value this truth places on the human soul? If you acquire everything this world has to offer – gold, silver, jewels and even people – but lose your soul, you still come out on the short end.

Nothing this world offers comes close to the value that is your heart and soul. What makes the inner man so valuable? It is at the core of your being that you have the ability to love God and others. It is at the core of our being we realize God is our “pearl of great price” and the core of our being is His.

Gold may not tarnish, but some day it will be gone. Diamonds may not undergo decay, but they will be destroyed with every other natural thing. But who we are on the inside at the core of our being will rejoice with God for all eternity. Chapter 4 Committed to Freedom (Something else to think about) One day I was driving down I-680 in northern California thinking about life and what current challenges I was facing.

I don't know how, but the Lord finally found a way to crack my thick skull open and deposit some new thinking in there. My wife and I have our frustrations with each other, just like any other marriage does. It just so happens at this time my thoughts were preoccupied with me and what I wasn't getting in the relationship. Forget the fact that on my smart phone there is a list of core beliefs, one of them says, “It's not about me.” I have found that whenever I make it about me it gets all botched up. So here I am thinking to myself, “Why am I always the one giving in this relationship and when am I going to get something out of it.” So while driving along, God asks me this question – what if it's not about me. What if the lack I think I am experiencing is due to a lack of freedom in my spouse to express freely?

Whatever I feel my need is, it pales in comparison to my spouse's need for freedom (from wrong-thinking, bondages, strongholds, etc). How pathetic that I made it about me, and through my selfishness and frustration I could not see the real issue at hand. In the world we have economic indicators (housing starts, factory orders) that are supposed to give us some idea as to how the economy is doing and where it is going. In the world of relationships we have egonomic indicators. These can show us how well our communication is fairing in our relationships.

When we get over into the flesh all the egonomic indicators start popping up…victim's mentality, frustration, anger and disappointment to name a few. My first indicator is usually frustration. If I am frustrated, I have made it about me. Then we start talking about our frustrations. Uh – oh. We try to fix the problem by expressing ourselves not just once, mind you, but over and over again.

As if this has ever worked in the history of mankind — but we don't care, that doesn't matter because we have made it about us and for the first time in history we are going to make this work. We won't stop until we see the change we want that will never come. While we inflict our spouse with this frail communication tactic we would never admit it but being the recipient of all that “nagging,” (can we just call it what it is) is like being bit to death by a duck. Irritating and painfully slow, it goes on and on. It is so aggravatingly uncomfortable that the only seemingly logical escape from it is death. But you know that ultimately it is not enough to kill you – it's just to make you wish you were dead.

To my knowledge no one has ever been bitten to death by a duck. Just to make sure there is no need for concern — no ducks were harmed in the writing of this chapter. John 8:38 says, “When the Son sets you free you are free indeed.” Jesus gave His life for our freedom. While we know Jesus has set us free, we also know it is our thinking that can keep us in bondage. How committed are you to the freedom of your spouse?

Whatever ever the struggle might be in a relationship it is probably an indicator of wrong thinking in one or both of its members. If you make the struggle about the appeasement of your spouse then you will enable them in their wrong thinking and perpetuate the bondage. If you make it about getting your way and not the freedom that Christ has for both of you then you will stop way short of the victory God has for you.

When you both are committed to fight for freedom in each other (not to manipulate your spouse into being more of what you want) because you want to see them live in the freedom Christ has for them then you will become a greater blessing to each other.

Freedom is the Godly context He desires for our lives. And it is in that freedom that the treasure of our hearts can freely flow out of us, not just toward our spouse, but everyone we care about. If I make it about me, I stop way short of that freedom and defect from the responsibilities God has given me in the marriage covenant. Be committed to your spouse's freedom and not to your own needs.

Chapter 5 ` Honor — Understanding — Bonding — Core Agreement Agreement One night we decided to go out to dinner with some friends. We were in the mood to make it a special night. We were ready to spend a little more money than normal, so we wanted to dine at a nice place with a nice atmosphere (that is, cloth napkins & tablecloths, gourmet menu, candlelight…the whole nine yards).

We decided to meet somewhere and then determine where we were going to eat. You know when you do this you have to consider one of the most important questions. What is the food mood? As it happens at times, no one could get on the same page.

Someone just had Italian, so that was out. Someone else had an uneasy stomach from lunch, so Mexican was out (much to my wife's disappointment.) After making several phone calls at different places to eat that no one was really excited about, we discovered opportunities were limited due to the fact that it was a weekend and the restaurants were full. We ended up way overdressed and out of place in a mediocre diner with paper napkins.

The moral to this story, “If you don't agree on where you are going you will end up somewhere you don't want to be.” Agreement is the key ingredient that makes any relationship work. Many of the conversations we have, casual or otherwise, are a quest to seek out areas of agreement. If a sufficient amount of like-mindedness is discovered, the premise for a successful and fruitful relationship is established. The marriage covenant is no different. Without agreement, recurring conflict is inevitable. Joy, happiness and bonding seem more difficult to attain. Forward momentum turns into a massive slow down and eventually a grinding halt. Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together unless they agree?” In other words, can two people move forward together unless they have agreement?

Of course not! There is no greater context for the power of agreement to play out in our lives than the marriage covenant. We are created to live in this environment; our hearts have been fashioned by God to bloom in it. Other relationships may have a presence in our lives, but if friction occurs rather than humbling ourselves and making the uncomfortable changes we should we just go find someone else to hang with.

We may find a handful of relationships that go deep. When we really start to knock the rough edges off of ourselves by exposing our frailties in conversation to those we trust and know us best, we begin a purposeful journey toward wholeness. When we become aware of our own wrong thinking and expose it, we take the first step toward our freedom and away from the habitual behavior of our flesh. The deeper the relationship the more mutually beneficial it is. We can also exit those relationships if the process gets too uncomfortable.

Marriage does not have that option; it is supposed to be for a life time. We may be able to escape to shallow friendships for affirmation (based on a lack of knowledge), but eventually we must return home to those who know us best and deal with who we really are. God has blessed us with a marriage covenant that is based on truth — a refuge of reality. In the marriage we are still loved even when we come face to face with our own “ugly”.

It is in the covenant of marriage that we are most likely to confront the “ugly”, deny ourselves (that is suffering for righteousness sake), and experience the freedom in letting go and trusting God. That's why marriage holds the greatest promise of hope, freedom, destiny, joy and kingdom purpose accomplishments for us (and, and if applicable, our children.)

One might ask, “If we are called and created to live in agreement, why does it seem so hard to come by?” I believe that prior to the fall of man, it was a way of life. Anything Godly or righteous was abundantly available. For anything contrary to God, there was only one place to go – the tree of knowledge of good and evil. When Adam and Eve made their choice, everything was reversed.

Everywhere we go today we see the ravages of a fallen world. There is however, only one place to go for the truth. Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” (John 14:6) Anything that is worth having in God is worth fighting for.

Paul told Timothy that our faith is a fight. (1Timothy 6:12) Agreement takes work. It is not going to fall in your lap. In marriage it requires communication, humility and understanding.

Now, that is hard work. Someone might ask, “Should marriage be that much work”? Marriage in itself might not be, but the fallen world in which we live in requires us to fight this good fight.

And in case you are wondering – yes, it is worth it! The blessing at the other end of your faithful commitment is far greater than the struggle. The agreement you achieve with your spouse based on the truth and not misconception is more pure, durable and productive. A strong bond is the best context to live in the power of agreement.

Bonding

We all have the feeling now and again, that something is wrong – something just doesn't feel right – like taking a shower with your socks on. There is nothing more emotionally uncomfortable than the indefinable elephant in the room. And it seems like an elephant because that thing that isn't right is having a heavy influence on many other things. The thoughts, “We can't seem to agree on anything,” or “We always seem to be fighting” keep coming up. And while the battle ground might be all of the arguments, there is something at the root of it all that we can't seem to put our finger on.

A lot of the emotional turmoil we experience in relationship is due to the stress that our bond with our spouse is under and the condition it is in. That tearing away and separation of the bond has a direct impact on the negative feelings we have about our relationship. On the other hand, the stronger the bond, the more positive we feel. The small things seem to be more irrelevant and the large things seem to be easier to fix. Couples can go for years and even decades without a conscious awareness of their bond and what a primary role it plays in their relationship and its impact on every arena of life. Finally when the relationship is in trouble we hear statements like, “I don't know what happened — we have just grown apart.” The reality is we are created to bond. God created man to bond and have fellowship with Him. Oddly enough, that was not enough. “It is not good for man to be alone,” God said, so He created woman and, “the two become one flesh.” That is strong bonding language. So we bond with God and our spouse.

This is how God designed us. But wait there's more. If you choose to act now, at no extra charge God throws in the body of Christ, which we are bonded to as we are all baptized into one body, by one spirit. As we all strive for the “unity of the faith” it is obvious that God wants us all to be united in love which is the “perfect bond of unity.” (Col 3:14)

We are stronger and better with connected healthy relationships in our lives. When we in our dysfunction, disconnect from others and succumb to the self-indulgence of solitude (Prov. 18:1), rest assured – our innate need to bond is still there. When there are no living, breathing hearts to have relationship with, all we are left with are cheap lifeless substitutes.

Whether we resort to drugs, the social network or sexual addiction, all of these can be a form of bonding with something instead of someone. You don't have to move to the mountains and live in a cave to be a recluse. You can live in the heart of a bustling city and through T.V, video games, hobbies and other forms of entertainment achieve hermit status. Let's face it, FaceBook can only take you so far and stops way short of what would constitute a real relationship.

Apart from real relationships we are stuck in the impermeable paradigm of ourselves. Through relationship and interaction we are exposed to new thinking and possibilities. While I was attending bible school, my wife and I rented a room to a single female student to help out with the rent. She lived with us for some time and it turned out to be a mutually beneficial relationship.

The day she moved out she shared with us that her mother had been married several times and could never make the marriage “thing” work. This impacted her thinking greatly. She determined to graduate from bible school and live single on the mission field.

She shared that seeing the relationship my wife and I had, helped her change her mind…breaking the bondage (note that bondage is a form of the word bond) of her old way of thinking. She has since been married (for many years now) and has a beautiful family. Think about the spiritual chemistry here. Her viewpoint of marriage had shattered her perspective on relationship that prevented a healthy outlook toward a blessed future.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a relationship has got to be worth a million and the fellowship of the spirit (scripture) in the body-life of the church is worth trillions. For everything else not worth bonding to there is MasterCard. Relationship is a way to go beyond the limits of ourselves and expand our understanding. On a personal note, if “I” was all there is to life, I would be really disappointed.

Relationship is one of the ways we experientially expand ourselves and our understanding. In marriage, the blessing of relationship plays out in the most dynamic way possible. While other relationships come and go, this one plays out for a lifetime of unlimited adventure.

God created every heart with a vast expanse of understanding and depth of thought with unlimited potential. Growing together with your spouse at the core level expands our understanding, which is (according to Proverbs) the, “fountain of life.” Understanding is the beginning, the middle and the end of how we love and bond each other. Understanding My wife is from Denver, Colorado where they claim to have more days of sunshine in a year than anywhere else in the U.S. After we married, we ended up in my neck of the woods — Central California. One thing the central valley is known for is Tule fog. It is a thick, dense fog that usually rolls in the heaviest in January and February. I can remember growing up and on one occasion driving down the road while struggling to see the ornament on the hood of the car.

I am not exaggerating. One might ask, “What were you doing driving in that thick fog?” That was the tricky thing about it. It would be completely clear leaving the house, but then down the road I would hit a fog bank. When this happened, I'd slow down, cover the brake and keep my eyes glued to the white dash in the center of the road.

That is what it is like when we lack the clarity of understanding. It's like hitting a fog bank. Being unclear in our thought process will cause us to take longer to get where we are going and sometimes keep us from getting there. I believe we were created to move at God's speed. “He who is spiritual understands all things,” 1 Cor. 2:15. If you were a car built to do 180 miles per hour on the autobahn, you are not meant to creep along peering into the fog wondering if you missed your turn. (If you're alive it is your turn.) Another interesting part of this story is the first time my wife experienced valley fog.

She clinched the dash board, her knuckles turned white and she held her breath. “Slow down!” she exclaimed. My speed was too fast for her comfort zone. You see I grew up in the fog and I was used to driving in it. I knew how to get along pretty well in the fog.

I wonder how many of us have learned to get along pretty well in the fog of our deficit understanding. This has everything to do with marriage. When we quit fighting each other and start fighting together for understanding of ourselves, our spouse and the purpose of God for our lives and marriage, it changes everything.

Understanding is the forerunner to real bonding and substantive agreement. Think of it this way, if I don't truly understand what you're thinking, desiring or feeling then how could I possibly agree with you? Any agreement without a sufficient amount of understanding is based on a false premise and will end in confusion and frustration.

Let me point out that the world struggles with its definition of manhood. While we can acknowledge some of the more common attributions of manhood; strength, competition, and winning — understanding has always been a staple ingredient in the manly diet of the Judeo-Christian ethic. Great men of God who fulfilled God's purpose clung to and relied on it as a source of divine influence. Proverbs 21:16, “a man who wanders from the way of understanding will rest in the assembly of the dead.” Proverbs 24 3 By wisdom a house built and by understanding its rooms are established.” Wise men of old valued it more than Jewels. (Proverbs 16:16) The Bible tells us in Job 36:5, "God is mighty in strength of understanding." Even our Creator flexes his muscles with understanding. This is foundational to anything that works in our lives.

What makes understanding so difficult to acquire is our flesh. While pride or selfishness wants to be understood, humility wants to understand. To place this conversation in the context of the marriage covenant we could say, the thing that gets in the way of me understanding you is me wanting you to understand me. Consider this, Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” Most of the conversation that takes place in our disagreements is in the attempt to be understood, not to understand. When we selfishly force our position or opinion into an argument or conversation we sacrifice the life-giving flow of understanding in the relationship. Look, if your opinion is as awesome as you think it is, it will not be lost if you set it aside and seek to understand the other person first.

Remember the goal is core agreement that flows out of a strong bond that is generated by loving one another with understanding. In order the get to understanding the Bible challenges us to honor one another. Honor

I know we honor people for amazing things they have done, things they have written, their sacrifice or accomplishments but what does functioning honor look like in everyday life? Honor is some we should experience on a regular basis whether we are receiving or ministering it.

Romans 12: 10 says," give preference to one another in honor." According to this scripture giving preference to someone else is a form of honor. What would this be like in conversation? If we set our thoughts and emotions aside, and then seek to understand the thoughts and emotions of our spouse, in that moment we love them in one of the most selflessly pure ways. When we are engaged in a conversation that is important to us it is hard to set our opinions aside. Our opinion is like a pair of glasses that we look through — it changes the hue or color of what we see. In order to see something with a fresh perspective I would need to take those glasses off, (my opinion) set them aside and listen with an open heart.

If I am still wearing the glasses that contain the prescription of my own opinion it is going to be difficult to see someone else's point of view. We already know what we think and feel anyway, what we don't know is what is in our spouse's heart. We don't want to sacrifice the strength of understanding for the sake of rebroadcasting our position. This is part of laying down our life for our spouse.

I am not asking you to sacrifice your opinion on the altar of frustration. Just set it aside for moment along with the frustration. And Remember, I am not asking you to agree with your spouse either just understand them. This is giving preference.

This is “love, honor and cherish” in action. If your spouses treasure and life flow from their heart, it would be important for you to understand that treasure and embrace the expression of that treasure? (Prov. 4:23, Matt. 12:35) When we humble ourselves and prefer our spouse in honor, we open the door to the life-giving flow of understanding – the ultimate affirmation that will increase you bond with your spouse and generate the perfect context for agreement to be reached.

Chapter 6 Honor by Listening to the Core Honoring the core (Scripture here.) I believe one of the best ways we can prefer someone else is to listen to them. It just so happens to be impossible to get to pure understanding without listening.

A story that has always impressed me is found in Luke chapter 10. It says that while Mary sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to him teach the word, Martha was frustrated with her for not helping in the daily tasks. When she expresses her frustration with Mary, Jesus responds, "Mary has chosen the better thing." Try to get this picture – Martha is working hard, she's being faithful, and she's serving the Lord with all her heart.

We know these are all admirable qualities, yet Jesus' response indicates that listening to him trumps all of these. God wants us to listen to Him. When we are heard we feel honored and respected. He put it on the inside of every one of us. When the mouth speaks it is from the treasure of the heart. In the original language of Matthew 12, treasure refers to a deposit of wealth. The things that we hold to be true, we value, and we hold dear make up the treasure of our heart.

When we express a thought it is based on those values, and when our thought is not considered, it can be frustrating. In the book, “The Lost Art of Listening", Michael P. Nichols states, "We define and sustain ourselves in conversation with others. Recognition – being listened to –is the response from another person that makes our feelings, actions, and intentions meaningful." We know as believers, God defines and sustains us through our intimacy with him.

Yet there is something significant in the point the author makes – we not only fellowship with God, but with each other. This principle is supported throughout Scripture. There is also an encouragement and a building up of each other when this fellowship occurs. I believe that listening to the heart of another person is what gives fellowship value.

Nichols goes on to say, "Without a sufficient amount of sympathetic understanding in our lives we are haunted by an amorphous unease that leaves us anxious and lonely." When we share our thoughts and feelings with others and they are not greeted with a listening ear and understanding, they struggle to take shape within us. Our identity is left wanting.

To listen to someone is to love them. Bless your wife or husband by listening to the treasure of their heart. Core Listening Skills Listening with your ears, eyes and heart for: 1. The emotion in the statement a. What is really important? b. Identify passions. c. Recognizing fears. 2. The bigger picture a. What is the context? 3. What consistently gets them stuck and unstuck? 4. What are they good at?

a. Passions b. Values and beliefs c. Strengths

The Purpose of Our Core I know that some of this might seem overwhelming to some of you. You might have a temperamental disposition to be alone and stay more to yourself. Just the thought of a conversation like this makes you break out in a rash. I want to take a minute to help you with that. Made to Receive and Give Proverbs 18:1 says, “The recluse is self indulgent and defies wisdom and understanding.” This Scripture implies that wisdom and understanding can come from community or fellowship. One of the ways we are robbed of our destiny is through isolation. When the gifts, strengths and intellectual capital God surrounds us with are released in the fellowship of the Spirit (Philippians 12:1), we find ourselves in the perfect growth climate our core was designed to be in. We just know that having good friendships feels good. We are inspired by good communication.

I realize you might prefer to be alone. That might be who you have become, but it is not who you are created and called to be. Jesus said, “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth that which is good.” He also said, “He that believes in me out of his innermost being (that would be your core) shall flow rivers of living water.” We are created by God to be conduits of His influence. Strong's Concordance defines grace as, “Divine influence on the heart and it's reflection in the life.” The apostle Paul said, “God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed.” (2 Corinthians 9:8) The word for abundance in this scripture is “perisseuo” and it means to super-abound. Jesus said, “Freely you have received freely give.” Did you know you can freely give or “super abound”? God created us to do that. You might be thinking, “Well Mark, I don't know. I just don't feel that way.” That is because when we are withdrawn and alone to ourselves, we have no one else to love and serve.

We develop what I call the “constipated core.” Freely you have received – Freely give. There is nothing constipated about that statement. I know this might sound difficult for some of you. Don't swallow the lie that says, “I am just not a people person.” That is a lie. You might not be as much as others and that is ok, but God created you to be a blessing to others. Don't settle for the counterfeit you have become and sacrifice the blessing you were created to be.

What does this have to do with marriage? Your spouse should be the primary recipient of your super-abounding super-core. That is the treasure of your heart.

Jesus said, “Out of the treasure of the heart the mouth speaks.” I believe this not only applies to us but God also. When God speaks to us He speaks out of the treasure of His heart. 2 Peter 1:4 says, we are partakers of His divine nature through His promises. Amazing! God wants the treasure of His heart to become the treasure of our hearts. If we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, our spouses should be given full access to the treasure that God has placed on the inside of us. When we release our core in conversation and explore the heart of those we care about, we are truly loving them the way God loves us. (this needs to flow better)

These core listening skills will help you in any arena of life. Whether it is family or life purpose, these tools will not only motivate the people you care about and work with, they will enrich the treasure of your heart – your “well spring” of life.

Then we have the other end of the extreme, the social butterfly motor mouths. I can be sarcastically hard on this because I am one. The biggest problem with this temperament is that we are seldom aware of how obnoxious we are. Sometimes we are more excited about what we have to say than the people we are talking to are interested in hearing it. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” When I prattle on about something it is out of selfishness that I want to be heard and out of conceit that I assume it is more important than what you have to say. According to this scripture, the contrary should be the case. You are more important than me; therefore I will hear what you have to say first.

What I am saying is this; if we are going to prefer one another in honor, (Rom 12:10) you will have to set yourself aside. If you are someone who would rather be alone, engage the conversation and speak up. If you are someone who talks ad nauseum, shut up. Listen to what your spouse is saying. It takes two to talk. It takes two for a core conversation. Chapter 7 Core Questions To understand the core My wife and I love to cook. We also enjoy entertaining.

We have a few home-run dishes we make that we know will be sure to delight those around the dinner table. Most of the time all of the ingredients are the same as what anyone else would use, accept for one. It is that one ingredient that causes people to close their eyes, smack their lips and exclaim, “Yummmmm!” Then they will say, “This is so good, what did you put in it?” They want to know what the secret ingredient is that makes your dish better than any similar dish they have tasted.

The secret ingredient to a great conversation is a thought-provoking core question. Think of it this way, engaging conversation is the buffet table of the heart. What people share with each other determines the quality of the meal, and what people share is influenced by the questions you ask.

Proverbs 20:5 Says, “The thoughts of a man are like deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Good questions are born out of a humble desire to really know what is going on in the heart of someone else. When we ask a question and listen to the answer, it goes beyond just saying I love you. It also says I believe in you, I respect your passions, I value your strengths and admire your intellect.

The buffet of conversation can also include a little “you can do it” for dessert. One-sided conversations that don't go anywhere are never fun. They are uncomfortable in process and draining after the fact.

Energize and encourage others with your core questions; but most importantly your spouse. I realize some questions can be monotonous, especially those that require a lot of shallow explanation. Getting past the surface questions to the heart of the matter is what will take some practice.

Every person has a treasure on the inside of them. It was put there by a variety of influences, many of which, we all have in common. Relationships, experiences and teaching we hear are just a few. The reason why these influences have a long-lasting impact on us is not because of the experience we have with them (although this can have a big impact), but because our souls are on a God-inspired quest for the truth. We instinctively know that if we can realize the truth – what is good, right and pure – and we choose that, we will receive the consequential blessing from that choice. This is an ever-present process within us. “That was a good teaching I agree with it,” or “I like the way that person does family, I want to be like that. This is why the Bible tells us to guard our hearts.

The Hearts Treasure (This section unclear) This process ultimately concludes with the treasure on the inside of us, influencing how we see things and the choices we make. It is comprised of passions, core beliefs and core values. Everything that is deep down on the inside of us is manifested in a variety of circumstances and experiences. One of the best ways to release the treasure of the heart is “on purpose” through the exercise of our strengths and gifts.

Illustrations needed. Unfortunately, no one has a corner on the truth. While many of the things we have embraced as the truth are, indeed the truth. However, many of them are not.

We all have things within us we believe to be the truth that are lies. It is a reality that in our frail state our perception, as well as our process, is seriously flawed. I can think of no better way to explore the hearts treasure and negotiate its truth (as well as misconceptions) than with your spouse in a core conversation (with the Holy Spirit as your helper).

We all do this in the instinctive quest for understanding. Why wait for a circumstance to arise, or a conversation in the car or over the dinner table to accidentally expose a gem on the inside of your spouse. Pursue the heart of your spouse romantically “on purpose” with the skills found in the core conversation. Chapter 8 Core Sex or core conversation (bonding)

I put that title on this chapter just to get your attention. It will definitely help to keep the guys in the game at this point. It is interesting that one of the words for “knowing” God in the Old Testament also can be translated intercourse.

Wanting to know someone is to love them. It is applicable to where we are going in this chapter. When you want to love your spouse, on purpose (in a substantive way) is the ideal situation.

You can make this a regular occurrence – maybe during the quite time you spend together.

Remember, it takes privacy, the elimination of all distractions and focus on your spouse to get your core on. If you were going to be intimate with your spouse you would remove all distractions and in a setting of maximum privacy, devote all of your attention to your spouse. No one wants to have the kids come into the room right when you are in the middle of it. Turn the T.V and the phones off. Put the kids in bed. Free your mind from the complexities of the day.

Let's face it, when you're having sex with your spouse you're not thinking about how to run the electrical on the jobsite; if you should you give Fred a raise; the details of escrow on that house you're trying to sell; or buying a new pair of shoes for the kids. You would be fully in the moment, loving and receiving the love of your spouse. The same rules that apply with sex also apply with a core conversation or spiritual intimacy.

Remove all distraction or potential interruption. Step One Prepare your heart Get yourself out of the way. The Bible tells us if we humble ourselves we will be exalted. (Luke 14:11) It would stand to reason that if we humble ourselves our marriages will be exalted. Stop thinking about what you're going to say and start thinking about the heart of your spouse.

In prayer, create the correct heart and mind set for core intimacy to occur. Ask yourself this question, "What is God's heart toward my spouse?" Focus yourself on his or her heart and the treasure that is there waiting to be discovered. Remember, you are “making love” with the core of your spouse. This is not a time to gripe and complain or bring up the negatives any more than you would as a recommended means of foreplay prior to sex. Step Two Focus on the goal This could not only be what they think, but how they think. What are the priorities, goals, values, passions and strengths that make them who they are?

When these are uncovered, you have hit a vein. Step Three The wife will be the mine. (introduce this concept) Notice that even though the mine is a mystery to the miner, it yields and gives up its riches when they are discovered. Sure you might run into some hard pan once in a while, but prayer and patience might be more appropriate rather than dynamite. Simply put – the husband will only ask questions and offer no opinion. Use the core listening skills from chapter 2 to focus in on what is important. Reflecting (introduce this concept…more description): As you state it back correctly, your spouse might realize they didn't mean it the way they stated it and they might want to rephrase their thoughts.

After you finish this the second part of step three takes it to another depth. A series of questions to go beyond the surface and to probe deeper into the thought processes are what is necessary to get to the gold. This could happen several times with reflecting the thought and feelings of your spouse.

This is the “wash, rinse and repeat” portion. Here are some pick and shovel questions for you to commence your mining operation.

Remember no close-ended questions. That means, don't ask a question that can be answered with a yes or a no. Example: Did you have a good day today? Answer: Yes. This is a closed ended question.

An open ended question would be: What did you enjoy about your day today? With this type of question a person has to respond with some thought.

Core conversation starters: What has been occupying your thoughts lately? What do you want to understand better about yourself? What do you want me to understand about you?

What do you want to understand better? What have you been concerned with lately? What have you discovered about yourself?

What has been pulling emotion out of you? What would you like to see happen? What are you excited about? What makes you happy?

Some other reasons for a Core Conversation are: If you are unclear about the future or current priorities, or sense a lack of forward momentum, this is probably a good time to have a core conversation with your spouse. Remember, it is all about getting to what is on the inside. Truly loving your spouse for who they are and with what you are.

Step 4 Celebrate If there is any revelation, understanding or new thinking uncovered, you have struck gold. Eureka! What makes that so important you might ask? Remember, “Understanding is a fountain of life,” the bible says. (Insert reference) Job says, “God is mighty in strength of understanding.” My prayer is that your marriage would be “mighty in strength of understanding”. Clearly state to each other as briefly as possible what you understand better about yourself or your spouse.

Step 5 Define the blessing in the new thinking. Have a discussion with your spouse about how this new thinking will change some of your priorities and the way you do things.

What benefits or advantages will there be in this new thinking? How can you support each other better with this new understanding? How will our marriage be blessed with this new truth established in our marriage? How can you love each other better in this new understanding?

The fruit of the conversation Chapter 5 Agreement Closing chap Adoration

Understanding Hebrew – leb (labe) The heart — the very center of something — the core – The will and intellect as well and feelings (passions)