The Gaston Herald

Historical Pretext for the Gaston Herald: Some might wonder how we Magans ended up here on this dock in the northernmost point of Gaston. Four score and many years ago Gustaff Andreini had a dream. He set sail out of Sicily and headed west voyaging on his 112 foot saltwater Viking “The Carbonara Parmesaña”. Seeking new hope and a new life, he picked up the Help in Senegal where he paid 990 sheckels for the best four friends he could ever ask for. Several weeks later the boat came smashing into Osprey point where Mr. Andreini founded Gaston and his Help built this fine 3 story mansion. All of the wood is pure stained with olive oil finishes and a balsamic coating on the hardwood floors.

From there an abundance of Andreinis with dreams were born on this shore side. Many accomplishing the goat swim where they learned to be one with the water. This house has stood for 376 years before the country was even founded.

It has endured many hurricanes, tornadoes and even Covid but it stands strong as the backbone of this strong Italian family.

L.K.G Itinerary

Location: Undisclosed, Lake Gaston (Near Dave Doreon's house)

Thursday, August 1st

7 03 PM: Armel arrives, windows down and Jesus piece flailing in the wind. Tony comes out to greet him but sees Cao sitting shotgun and he starts to tweak sack about the relegation list. Swore he crossed his dots and checked his Ts on the numbers 20 times, how is it possible Cao defeated relegation?

8 34 PM: Cardinals got the ball first and punted to the panthers 28 yard line. Finally Pickett takes the snap and hands left to Brooks. Norm fired up but he's tackled after only a gain of 3 yards. G.M shouts Holy Fuck his ankle is he gonna get up?" *Instantly jogs off the field as Norm says "Suck my Dick Bitches!"

9 14 PM: Tall boy roulette begins. Norman says "I'm getting fucked" but we haven't even started to pick the tall boys yet. Somehow in the end, he actually does get fucked with a Four Loko. Tony rigs the game and somehow ends up with a Michelob Ultra tall boy which takes him approximately 2 hours to finish drinking.

9 33 PM: Halftime of the Panthers game. Holding onto a slight 10 to 9 lead, Norman says they're definitely winning the superbowl and By9 will be the N.F.L M.V.P. They'd go on to win the game, but the over missed by 0.5 points and G.M won't shut the fuck up. C.G smiles in the background after hitting the under and pops an adderall to celebrate.

10 01 PM: The first rod hits the water, while C.G baits the other hook and Bealo watches and takes notes. Corbin's jar of catfish stink shit can be smelled from the driveway.

10 54 PM: The fellas head back out to the dock to check the lines. Fish On yells C.G. The fellas celebrate the first fish of the weekend with a beer shotgun on the dock. Cum takes it a bit too far and proceeds to shotgun about 4 more in the span of 15 minutes. As the group walks back up to the house, Cum stays behind and projectiles all over the Jet Ski. Tone is pissed but just then both fish lines tighten again as Cum's stomach bile chummed the waters. Cum's Chum is now sold commercially in all Bass Pros Retail Shops.

11 21 PM: Cooper finally arrives a few hours late, he had some important meetings to increase shareholder value. He didn't bring any clothes with him, just his work computer and a copy of Revenge the Sith.

Friday, August 2nd

12 01 AM: Trish and Pipkin dive deep into the indictments of Law as both have achieved immense amounts of education. Pipkin explains the harsh rules the state of Georgia enforces while Trish explains the gruesome hours a rigorous day in C.L.T can amount to. They both stop and look left to see C.G and G.M bickering over an online roulette spin for S.63. Pipkin and Trish immediately question why they keep coming back to Gaston.

12 28 AM: G.M's phone starts ringing off the hook. He forgot to unlink Margaret from his draft kings account and she has gotten 12 deposit notifications with bets ranging from Russian ping pong to Australian professional basketball. He tells her don't worry and the over was always a lock.

12 59 AM: Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz. All 10 magans phones are buzzing on the tables. It's a Labor Day suck n Fuck text from Alfredo in the 2019 Sigma Hood Group me. Full of emojis and random psychedelic bullshit. *Liked by Woody

1 28 AM: Trish and Norm's smidge 15 milligrams gummy starts smacking and they immediately start a classic, Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Cum agrees to grind the fuck out of it even though his 200 milligrams gummy snake has him ready to explain how Netenyahu & Epstein secretly colluded to stage January 6th.

1 36 AM: Teuuu Fast by Jason Aldean can be heard coming from the Dock speaker system for the 12th time already today. Tony yells down to the dock to shut the fuck up but at this point the entire neighborhood (including Dave Doreon 3 houses down) is watching 2010 S.E.C Q.B montage highlights.

1 41 AM: Trish says fuck it Norm lets go get some snacks. Digorno pizzas are maxing on 550 broil. Everyone is getting into the jalapeno poppers G.M insisted on buying. Tony is fucking pissed because he swore everything G.M purchased was a waste. Norm and Trish have zero idea they started the movie which is drowned out by Teuuuu Fast Blairing on the speaker for the 13th time.

3 12 AM: The last group finally heads off to bed. Tony has stayed awake patiently waiting for this opportunity - He secretly sneaks out of his room to jack the A.C up to 75. Father's instructions says last month's utility bill was $7 too high and he'll have to venmo request if it happens again.

10 48 AM: After breakfast, everyone decides it is time for the Full Goat challenge. Kabealo opens the strait of Hormuz shipping lanes and swims to Kharg Island. The rest of the group swims by the dock, except for Tristan (not based on race).

11 54 AM: Norm slugs a Silver Bullet to kill the excruciating headache and Tone sets up pickleball with the Magans. Tone and G.M vs Armel and C.G a crucial battle east of the Mason-Dixon. Justin puts on his shin guards and cleats ready to play Stoke on a rainy Wednesday night with his chain dangling. They await G.M's backspin side serve deluxe. C.G pops a blue guy and prepares for war. As many of you have been told before, Pipkin desperately wanted to play but is still terribly petrified of his highschool leg injuries from dunking on 8.5"

11 27 AM: One serve later G.M is sweating fucking bullets. He looks at Tone and says "My papaw says this what gets the alcohol out ya system son so you can put it back in faster"

11 48 AM: Bealo starts bitching about being hungry for lunch already. Tone immediately tries to shut that shit down. Bealo goes up anyway and starts hammering the P.B.J materials. C.G sneaks upstairs as well and opens every possible chip bag he can find just to irritate Tony. Low and Behold it fucking worked.

12 14 PM: Norm, G.M and Pipkin make their way up the stairs to have lunch. Holy fucking shit its friday and we're out of deli meat. Scroogedreini thought 1.5 pounds of turkey was enough to feed 10 dudes. G.M immediately lays the wood down of Tone, egregiously bitching saying I told ya so as Tone frantically goes into a panic state over the factors of going back to Food Lion. Price of fuel is high, wear and tear on the beamer, and lastly $7.36 more turkey needs to be bought. He shoots Stonette a text, “Grilled Cheeses next week honey, we way overspent on this weekend”.

1 17 PM: Cum wakes up. Dazed and confused, he heads upstairs to find Cooper pacing around on the phone using big words "Value Add", "Synergy", "Circle Back".

2 26 PM: The fellas head back out to Pickleball after lunch. During his second Pickleball game, G.M's B.A.C monitor on his arm starts to buzz signaling dangerously low alcohol levels in his blood. Without a drink soon, he may have the sweats or even worse, start to bitch and moan constantly. He quickly grabs the half drank Michelob from Trish's hand and chugs it. Crisis averted.

4 08 PM: Kabealo has his first midlife crisis of the trip. Why is he drinking beer by a body of water in the summertime with a bunch of goobers? After much contemplation, he starts spamming texts about how shood & SUCO can create generational wealth if you just listen to his advice.

6 04 PM: Tony gets the troops ready for the Italian restaurant across the water for dinner. The boat is loaded and starts to leave the dock, and Kabealo says that it isn't safe to travel there via the strait of Hormuz. Just then, the U.S Naval Blockade (Cum's pink panther wake boat) speeds by offering us safe travel after collecting his toll of natty lights and a 200 milligrams gummy.

6 07 PM: Tone's greasy spike can be seen wavering in the wind on the crystal clear Gaston water reflection. Rumor has it, the sirens on the Gaston shores can't resist the urge of the spike and sing him love songs of spaghetti and meatballs. He succumbs to their calls and blasts his marinara everywhere.

7 02 PM: Norman will shortly get fucked again for the second time. He doesn't know it yet, but after everyone orders a beer and a pepperoni pizza, they'll suddenly be out of dough, cheese, and beer by the time he orders. Armel comes to his rescue salvaging a few Dino nuggets from his pocket.

8 10 PM: Time for the check. Lemel dips off to the bathroom (not based on race) and Cooper picks up his tab. Thanks Coop 😃 [Lemel flaked but this joke had to be included]

9 37 PM: C.G tempts everyone into Blackjack. Per L.G.K handbook page 12 line 34, dealer must wear a Bills #17 jersey. Trish and Tony smoke a cigarette outside while C.G loses a few hundred. Pissed off about his losses, C.G reminds himself the house always wins right?

10 51 PM: By this point everyone is drunk. Pipkin is talking about how Atlanta is the greatest American city. G.M swears that the Ichiban in God's Country Salisbury is the best restaurant in the continental U.S. Finally, Tony steps up and says Cary shifts on both. God bless the Italian motherland Cary, N.C.

11 52 PM: Coop starts doing that thing where he goes in and out of consciousness for 30 minutes, only to be resuscitated when Armel asks him to go shotgun a warm white claw.

Saturday, August 3rd

12 04 AM: The Big 5 make a push for Quip. Pipkin secretly pulls out his phone to start recording, but Tony ensures him that he already has it covered with the secret cameras that he had Todd install during the offseason to capture evidence for his vault.

12 47 AM: After Trish and Pipkin "go to bed" early, Alex tells everyone he needs to grab something from his suitcase. Moments later, Pipkin yells "action" and headboard rocking is heard from their bedroom for 17 minutes.

9 39 AM: Baird arrives after getting off his rotation at George Floyd Memorial hospital and shortly after arriving hits a signature B.L.M fist out of solidarity for Tristan. Being around this many colonizers must be nerve wracking.

{10:20am:} Blair promptly arrives ready for the Gaston Invitational Pong tournament later this evening. He walks in, gives out a few dap ups, and proceeds to find the nearest bedroom where he will remain for the next 10 hours grinding out F.N.C.S finals until it is time for him to reemerge for the Pong tourney.

{12:09pm:} G.M gets ready to head home for an engagement party (gay). After saying goodbyes, he sneaks out a 6 pack from the community beer fridge for his ride home, full Tony Romo style. He thinks he was slick, but Tone saw it and within seconds of his ride home a Venmo notification pops up.

1 27 PM: There is commotion around the dock. Shark! Someone yells as a dorsal fin breaches the surface. There is a brief moment of panic until Tony's spike emerges into full view.

1 28 PM: Through his AirPods Blair hears the faint commotion happening outside and takes out one AirPod. "Shark Shark" coming from the dock. Blair drops his phone and sprints outside on a Heater. Seeing the spike emerge from the water, he realizes the Shark wasn't referring to him so he goes back inside to finish N.A Central Grand finals.

2 15 PM: Captain Tone has the boys load up the coolers. Pontoon cruise leaving the port in the next 10. Tristan takes the bucket seat, Blair and Armel snag a couch and Bealo and Coop grab the other. Suddenly Norm starts to realize he's about to get Fucked again. Shoves corbin off the dock and secures a perfect front row maxer next to C.G.

3 37 PM: Everyone is fucking maxing on the boat ride. Water is calm, music is flowing and Captain Tone is absolutely vibing. C.G whispers over to Coop, "you think the tide is coming in right now?"

3 48 PM: Just as the boys make the turn to head home, a flyover of fighter jets and Apaches soar overhead. The sound of freedom rings loudly in the air and Tony blasts Creed on the aux. C.G proclaims "They're heading East to bring democracy to the desert" and Bealo immediately checks the price of oil.

8 37 PM: Dinner has concluded. While everyone is cleaning up and milling around upstairs, C.G has slipped off downstairs to set up for pong. A faint sound can be heard bellowing down from within the basement.

"Out West" by Travis Scott has begun to play. Like a Siren song to Odysseus and his contingent, a mad dash is made down the stairs. "I got first game" "I got ups" can be heard uttered as Tony is left standing in his apron to clean up from their feast.

9 04 PM: Lake Gaston Annual pong tournament begins. During the national anthem, Corbin is seen rushing to the bathroom for his pregame puke routine. No wonder he's always liked Josh Allen.

9 12 PM: Shortly into the pong tournament, bitching is at an all time high and "Last Memory" and "Out West" have played several times. Trish asks if he can put a T.H.C seltzer in his cups instead of beer. The group reluctantly agrees. As luck would have it, Blair ends up having to drink 5/7 of the T.H.C cups. High as a kite, he starts to have a panic attack and passes out. C.G puts a fresh wintergreen zyn under his nose and magically he is revived.

9 13 PM: Justin starts choking on his Jesus piece in the background and can't breathe. Baird rushes over to save him using the surgical skills he learned in med school and he calmly removes the object from his throat. Corbin "Skull Fucker" Holder walks over to see what's going on. Chaos ensues...

11 17 PM: The pong tournament has concluded. Blair wins after cheating and hacking on the last cup shot. His Steelers jersey is half covered in sweat and beer, a true veteran of the L.K.G World Pong War. The rest of the group has hit the dock to fish and finds the Salisbury Gas Station O.G Purple Pressure Northern Lights Indica Kush tech that G.M left behind. Like moths attracted to light the group mobs it. Norm yells “Butt Ass” repeatedly.

11 32 PM: Blair celebrates his win by jumping into the lake Butt Ass with only a pair of Nike calf socks on.

Sunday, August 4th

12 08 AM: Kabealo tells Norm he will finally help him catch a fish from the dock. After casting a line out, they start to pass the time with some football talk. Kabealo says "Norm, we gotta find our guy".

Just then the line tightens and Norm starts reeling it in. As the catferd surfaces, the line snaps. Fuck maybe next year.

12 41 AM: Everyone passes out for the final time. Cum is asleep coffin style downstairs. Pipkin has had one too many Miller Lites and 'accidentally' wanders into his bedroom. Like a baby kangaroo in his mothers pouch, a twin bed wasn't a problem.

9 02 AM: C.G is the first dip out. Cleaning was not on his schedule today after coordinating with G.M about when they could play duos. Magcura rides off into the sunset.

9 04 AM: Tony wakes up. Instantly sends out the weekend venmo requests.

^{*} Editorial Notes ^{*} :

Thank you to Tony for hosting the Annual Gaston invitational. Crack Beers asap Max go fucking Thers. Let's have a weekend fellas.

The Illustrious G.M, Maga & Cum

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