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Welcome Back to the Greatest Thing Your Mind Has Ever or Will Ever Experience in Your Dull Seasonless Lives. Speaking of seasonless, I've been getting a lot of hate this offseason for the lack of salt in my boy kibble bowls. Salt Doesnt Feed the Man Mellons You Bitches. Lock the Fuck in and Drop and Give me 30 to 40 semi-performative pushups. Today my monstrous man mellons are around a jeep wrangler on the mike man mellon scale.

They get closer to hot air balloon status when I open up the fantasy football app. Lets Get Into it Woo!!!!!

#10: Rhamondre No way this is still your name

Staring at this team I am left with one question…. Who was Max's second round pick. Ohh nevermind it must have been C.D lamb. Wait no, then who was his first round pick.

C.D Lamb What the Actual Fuck Was Going Through This Fuckheads Brain. He must have been so unbelievably plastered from the night before Right???? So hungover he thought he was getting a steal in the 10th… Nope. This guy refuses to come drink with me (insert sad face here). Too busy chasing tail. Too bad Courtney was ineligible for the first round.

Oh. This team is just the peak of midness. He has 2 R.B 2's, a fringe W.R 1, and a guy who got covered by I Show Speed in a flag football game (insert crying here). Bro's team has the same chances of survival as Brock Bower's hairline… Just head to Turkey and try again next year. I Digress.

#9: Zay my Name version 4

It didn't work the first 3 times and I've never heard 4th times the charm. I don't know who Matthew loves more, Zay, or tall brunettes who play pickleball. Either way they both are gonna ruin your life.

Let's drive down this road a little further. Similar to Zay's contract, you're gonna spend absorbent amounts of money on this chick who is actually in 5 different situationships and has nothing to contribute to the roster. Better to cut them from the roster soon than wait for them to infect your locker room.

I almost had the Mononucleosis graphic loaded up for Matthew this offseason but it was just strep from a psycho blonde. I think I've lost the plot on this metaphor. I digress. Lil bro gonna be pissed but he lowkey has the biggest chance of busting, and unfortunately for him, it aint gonna be near a tall brunette.

More likely Nabers might be out for 4 weeks, puka is gonna get suspended and hampton and irving might be in time shares. Also the Titans D might get ran through more than that girl from the Yard House (I.Y.K.Y.K) I Digress.

#8 Carlton Davis Drywall

Bro thought he cooked with that one… Hahaha if this team were to cook anything It would have to be some soup or some soft boiled eggs or some shit. They be so old their teeth be falling out, gonna need to slurp their food from now on. Speaking of slurping… aint no one drooling over this team because its so mid. I really though I cooked there but not my finest work. Im a little rusty guys cut me some slack.

This team is the retirement home of teams and has the combined age of Oliver's soul. Yes im calling you an old man gramps. Derrick Henry and C.M.C gonna have to sit on the couch almost as much as Oliver did this past year. Let's not forget about davante.

Not sure if Oliver has the energy to leave the couch and do tricks on it tho. Hand signals from the sofa will have to suffice. Good thing you can't get the Scattebo C.T.E if you don't leave the living room… Just wait until Oliver finds out that J Dart didn't vote for Kamala… Locker room implosion coming soon. Might as well stay on the couch bud, this year is a wash. I Digress.

#7 Mixons Stiff Arm

The only arm that's been stiff recently is Eli's after becoming a Hinge Warrior. Eli is a fan of “Cranking his hog” similar to how Oliver is a “fine purveyor of pornography” -his words, not mine… How'd the date go bro, please tell me you didn't toss her the check this time??? Hey in all seriousness this team has the potential to be a contender, except for the fact that there are 2 browns players and a guy named brown in his starting lineup that will surely sink this teams hopes and dreams. Have Fun with the Chase Brown Experience Lil Bro Muhahaha. I promise he might score 20 points per game but he will enter the 2-minute warning with 2.4 points then get 10 catches for 15 yards and a T.D. Also for all the name potential you spoke of, you still have a trash ass name and a trash ass bench.

Can't rely on Claude or Cloud (I.Y.K.Y.K) to run the team after the draft lil bro, time to develop some real ball knowledge. I Digress.

#6 Do What to the Murphy's

Nah that's foul!!! Unless it's a tall blonde with an Irish accent and tan lines, in which case I will fold faster than a flimsy plastic chair that's being sat on by your average theme park ride reviewer (I.Y.K.Y.K). James unfortunately you are not tall enough to ride this ride… Team Thuggins ain't looking too shabby this year. Perhaps the best draft he has ever had.

Achane and Cook are two top 5 talent R.B's, and I personally really like Egbuka, Olave, and Odunze this year. T-law is certainly a weak point. OHHHH Fuck I just saw this bench… ew. Bruh your bench is a bunch of waiver players.

Did the players stack up on the board and suddenly you couldn't see over the wall (im making a short joke). Bro just started sending out darts into the draft. Also good luck with Josh Jacobs, you may be the first person to draft a player who sees the inside of the cell before they see the football field.

OHH wait nevermind, Henry's third round pick was actively in jail this summer Lmaoo. Fuck Rashee Rice. I Digress.

#5 Shadow Commish's Puppet

More like that girl's puppet on the dance floor last weekend Lmaoo. Please tell me you D.M'ed her. No she lives in blah blah blah” someone call the Wambulance. Why didn't the Haveruzz text me back guys (insert tear running down my cheek and dripping on to the folding chair reserved for irish blond chicks). I Digress this was a hard place to call. Almost as hard as Henry on the white bull dance floor, bro was bricked. Sorry I Digress… Outside of Bijan and Drake Maye I have little to no faith in these players.

Swift will be R.B.2 on his team by the end of the year, Nico has an idiot throwing him the ball, Rashee is definitely committing 2 to 3 more felonies by 2027, Likely has never been a T.E.1, and Jamo will probably drop 2 to 3 0's (tom thoughts???). For these reasons, I'm out. In my opinion this team is the weakest of the serious contender tier. Henry please go D.M that girl (insert Barking sounds). I Digress.

#4 No Connertry for Old Etienne

Still don't understand the name and we're dragging it bruh, move on. I honestly feel that this team is just a slightly upgraded version of Henry's team, with the exception of Bijan. Just-in Jefferson, Lad Mcfuckey, and D.J Whore are an elite trio of W.R's. Take notes on the naming Bud, I could do this all day. The only weak spot is Tony Pollard. I don't know why you have such a hard on for this guy… Haven't you drafted him like every year? He's so mid every year and if you had a slightly better player here then you would easily be top 3. Also your Bench is mega Buns booty mcfucked so one injury kind of cripples the lineup. I keep trying to come up with a team name and the best I have right now is Love(land) Just(in) Saquon Moore nuts. Idk the parentheses are silent… Figure it out, this ain't my job. I haven't heard enough from Tom to make fun of him for shit, but you still crushin on Sam Murphy??? I was trying to allow the Iso by not participating in class which is why I let you guys carry me lolololololol. I Digress

#3 Mikes Way with Maye

I'm still cooking up the name. I thought maybe Walk-her to the kitchen with a picture of Harrison Butker, but then I can't really use my team to rizz up the huzz at the bars. Need a huzz friendly name, I'm working on it. Even if his Hinge profile isn't hitting, he certainly was hitting in the draft (insert sad bitter sweet sobbing face).

This team easily has the best Trio of R.B's as long as they stay healthy. This team has the greatest bench for skill players and was able to get Kelce and Mahomes at the cheapest they have ever been. For those of you saying bench doesn't help, shut the fuck up and sit back in your couch Oliver. Go Purvoy some more pornography or something. This team will honestly come down to if Mahomes and Kelce can produce at a fraction of what they used to do. My greatest weakness aside from Irish Blondes with Tan lines would be my reliance on the chiefs week in and week out as if they get shut out, I might end up with 30 fantasy points.

I digress, managing a hinge roster and a fantasy roster will be difficult this year, but luckily only one of them has players on it. I don't know what will fold first, the beam under the couch following the first Patrick Mahomes touchdown, or me when I finally match with a BlaWaHawuzzzzzzz. I Digress.

#2 Drake Chases Kittle Kids

Finally an interesting name, no diddy. As long Kittle makes his return, this is easily a top 2 roster, feel free to Bate as much as you want Josh. That was a hilarious Rosterbait joke but incorporating Jake Bates for you idiots with no culture. Also congrats on being commish Josh, does this make Grace the shadow commish now??? The weak points of this team definitely have to be the situation, not the talent of Breece and Drake London. You will soon learn that bad teams limit good player young grasshopper (insert master Uguai photo from kung fu panda). Josh's team has the potential to crash harder than him before a post game. For you fucks who don't come out with us and need context, make sure you tell Josh and Grace that they are Postgame Larpers. I'm running out of energy for this, kind of like you when the clock strikes midnight. BOOOM Roasted!!!! I Digress.

#1 I be Tuten a little Brown

Please Hinge and Fantasy football draft king teach me your ways. Elite draft paired with grabbing all the talent that fell to him. Having Amon Raw, Jaytay, and Mcbride on the same team should not exist and is completely ridiculous. Josh should have accepted the team swap while he had the chance.

That's it… Im done… OHHH you thought I was done with the rankings, No, you are sorely mistaken… That was just the beginning Benjamin Muhahaha. Speaking of Raw, lets take a trip down memory lane. This draft was so elite, if Rose saw she would immediately want a serious relationship. You could leave a copy of it in her mailbox… I apologize that was a cheap shot straight to the Daves (I.Y.K.Y.K). I just had to give it to you Mike's Way just a little bit.

Keep working on it and soon you might be able to take it Mike's way on the courts. But in all legitness this is the greatest team and the one to beat.