What My Daughter Needs to Know Before She Dates

Part One

What She Knew

A Fiction Novella

Before we get started with What My daughter Needs to Know Before She Dates, you should read What She Knew, a fictional story to highlight domestic violence and the dangers of dating.

What My Daughter Needs to Know Before She Dates

Part Two

Everything your daughter needs to know before she dates to have a safe and informed dating experience

Jenita Bonisa This was an exciting book to write and a much-needed topic for women. Thank you to the women who allowed me to interview them and for sharing their stories. To Jennie Collado for her expertise in relationships and as a marriage and family therapist. Thank you to all the women who shared their advice and allowed me to share them with you.

Introduction

So, do you feel like you are ready to date? There is so much to know before you actually go on your first date. Once you start dating, you will learn a lot about yourself, your mate, and relationships in general. Finding your person is part of the fun of dating. There are so many benefits in finding a mate and learning and growing with them. The idea of having a support system that is always in your corner, someone to love you no matter what, and having a friend to share life with is awesome until it is not. Relationships are not that easy and will always take some work, time, and commitment.

If you are looking for a perfect relationship, it does not exist. What does exist is relationships where both parties work hard to support and respect each other, love, trust, and care for one another. As a Christian, I use the term dating as a way to find a marital partner.

There are terms for dating outside the Christian view such as dating for fun. While I understand this term, there are many actions in dating that are similar to marriage and can cause great discourse because dating is not marriage and those actions don't have the same effects. Therefore, if you are going to be dating for fun, the advice in this book will still be useful. However, you will need to view the information with a different lens as some behaviors will not matter to those who are dating like they might for someone who is married.

Furthermore, it will be important for you to be prepared and armed with the necessary knowledge that you need in order to have a successful dating experience. Be aware that not all relationships are good ones, and there are some aspects of relationships that you need to understand before you start dating. Anyone who is ready to start dating needs to understand what a healthy relationship looks like, social media safety guidelines, what they are looking for in a mate, how to set boundaries, safety measures of dating, recognize unhealthy behaviors, and how to be assertive in relationships.

The story What She Knew, is a fictional depiction of a group of high school students and their dating experiences as they navigate different types of relationships. Though their experiences were dramatized, they are deeply rooted in real-world patterns. I will illustrate examples of these relationships throughout this book to better expose, red flags, grooming tactics, unhealthy behaviors, and to show ways to set healthy boundaries.

I also interviewed Jennie Collado M.A, M.F.T, a marriage and family therapist, who started her practice 15 years ago, Healing Paths. I will share with you her expert opinions on setting boundaries, healthy relationships, and the challenges of mental illness in relationships. You will see her wealth knowledge sprinkled throughout the book. Finally, I will share statistical data from various authors to show the severity of abuse in teen relationships.

I am sure you have heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” well it also takes a village to destroy one as well. There are so many distractions and not enough role models on dating and learning how to be a great partner. Right now, there are teens dealing with the pressures of dating and the decisions that go along with it. Along with those decisions, there are also a high number of domestic abuse cases among teen relationships. Because domestic violence is so prevalent in teen dating, it is important to have conversations to address the matter.

Parents, imagine your 13-year-old daughter being abused by a 13-year-old boy. I don't know about you, but that makes my skin crawl and sets me into action. Mind you, not only females are at risk of domestic violence or relational pressures, however, I would like to focus on getting daughters ready for healthy dating experiences. In this book, I will delve not only into the staggering cases of domestic violence among teens, but what teen girls need to know before they begin to date. These are pieces of advice taken from many different perspectives. Keep in mind that the advice is not given on the suggested age that a girl should be before she dates, I merely want to focus on providing necessary information to girls who are dating so they have the skills to properly navigate healthy relationships. My hope is that this book will equip girls and women of all ages with the knowledge needed to ensure happiness in healthy relationships. This is not a male bashing book or a book of warnings, but it does expose the ugly truth about dating along with the joys of it as well.

I may be dating myself, but do you remember after school specials? These were made for television drama shows that taught real-life lessons for teens. The topics that were addressed were usually eating disorders, drug abuse, sexual abuse, family drama, physical and verbal abuse, domestic violence, and other types of traw-muz. These were like the cautionary tales that we read in elementary school except the bases for fairy tales and folklores were to teach young children how to be a good person, to be loyal, diligent, fair, and to persevere. I do not see these types of messages on television programs anymore and some of our teens have outgrown fairy tales. So, this book is my rendition of a cautionary tale, or an after-school special for our daughters. That is why I wrote the fictional drama in part one partly in protest, (Bring back after school specials), and partly to give readers an example that we can discuss throughout the book. The songs and movies that I reference in this book are used to provide entertaining visuals for complex ideas. While I do not suggest basing decisions or your life on these examples, they do, however, illustrate the concepts discussed.

Nearly everyone has had at least one unhealthy relationship or has known someone who was in an unhealthy relationship. Just to be clear, an unhealthy relationship does not have to mean an abusive relationship. An unhealthy relationship could be simply when two people who should not be together are together for the wrong reasons.

An unhealthy relationship could be when one person in the relationship does not respect the other. I could give you an entire page of examples of an unhealthy relationship. However, I would like to focus on what a healthy relationship looks like, social tools you need to have when dating, and how to know when to walk away.

Though this book is not about domestic violence, it is a topic that needs to be discussed. “Also, in 2025, global Statistics, reported 16 million women and 11 million men reported some type of abuse before the age of 18.” These statistics reveal that there is a real issue with domestic violence among teenagers, and there is a real need to prepare our girls for dating. Moreover, the first place to start is to make sure that our daughters know their worth. The only way she can be happy and in a healthy relationship is to go into the relationship as a healthy person, which involves knowing her self-worth. Additionally, she needs to understand the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship, know her personal boundaries, and can successfully demand that her boundaries are met. In return, she will be able to choose a mate that will be good for her and increase her chances of being in a healthy relationship. The last thing that we want for our daughters is for them to find that their mate is unhealthy because often by the time they do find out, it is too late. In many cases, she has already fallen in love and does not want to leave him even knowing he is not good for her. In even worst cases, women might allow abusive and disrespectful behavior under the pretense that she loves him. This is never a good reason to stay in a relationship. Just because you love someone, it does not mean that they love you back nor does it mean that they will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Love starts with the individual and when she loves herself, she will not allow anyone to mistreat or purposefully hurt her. So, it will be important for our girls to know what love is before they start to date.

Chapter One

What Healthy a Relationship Actually Feels Like

What is an Unhealthy Relationship?

What is a healthy relationship? Many of us experience this in the home that we grew up in. However, many of us come from broken homes and from abusive situations. Then we grow up and start dating and share our experiences with the people that we date. If we never learn what a healthy relationship is before we start to date, we could end up in some sticky situations and cause ourselves and other people harm. Therefore, it is imperative that before we enter into any type of romantic relationship that we are emotionally, and mentally healthy to do so.

Eagerly, let's start with what an unhealthy relationship looks like. An unhealthy relationship can be described as a relationship where a partner is abusive, controlling, manipulative, disrespectful, violent, and jealous. Also, when one partner is too dependent on the other, intimidating, or dishonest, this can indicate not only unhealthy, but a toxic relationship as well. Finally, one can identify an unhealthy relationship if she is lonely, stressed, has feelings of betrayal, or if she has feelings of uneasiness. This last one is especially important not to ignore. This feeling of uneasiness is called intuition. When our intuition tells us that something is not right about the relationship, we need to listen to it. Do not make excuses or think that we misread a situation. We must learn to trust and listen to our intuition. This is our best defense against both intentional harm and harm made by mistake.

“Yeah, yeah, perfect. Now pull them down a little.”

“Mason, no.”

“Not all the way, you don't have to show anything, just a little, you know, like you are teasing me.”

Every fiber in Charlie screamed that this was not a good idea, but Mason really liked her, and she did not want him to think that she was a baby. So, she moved her thumb down towards the floor, pulling on the top of her jeans just enough to show the lace of her underwear.

“That's my girl. And got it.” Mason walked over to her and landed a soft, sweet kiss on Charlie's lips, took her hand, and they walked out of the room.

Charlie felt like she had left her dignity in that room and was so disappointed in herself. She was sure this was one of those things her parents warned her about. She couldn't say for sure that she did anything wrong, but what she did know was that it did not feel right.

.

In part A, of the psychological thriller, What She Knew, Charlie initially senses something is “off” when Mason pressures her to take suggestive photos. Even though she complies, she is left with a lingering sense of unease. Because she was so infatuated with him, it takes some reflection before she actually realizes Mason's toxic presence. Moreover, she repeatedly questions her own judgment until Ellie confirms her suspicions. This narrative serves as a warning: I want you to cultivate the same intuition that Charlie possessed with the ability to act the moment the red flags appear.

It is easy to become so blinded by a partner that we ignore our instincts. But recognizing the red flags and responding to them appropriately is vital.

Furthermore, sometimes our intuition can warn us with feelings of uneasiness, but we may struggle to identify the source of discomfort. The confusion usually stems from a lack of awareness regarding various forms of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse does happen in romantic relationships, and it comes in a various form. That is why we must be knowledgeable about the different forms of abuse, and how to identify them. Being armed with this knowledge, we can validate our intuition accurately and name the behaviors that we are observing.

Different Types of Abuse

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is exhibiting constant negative and hurtful language towards another person. These words can include, but are not limited to put-downs, rude teasing or joking. Verbal abuse shows up in many forms. Even if abusive behavior is minimized as playing around or teasing, it is hurtful and should not be tolerated.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is when someone is psychologically aggressive and uses different ways to control or manipulate others such as: withholding love, support, and attention, harassment, humiliation, and isolation. A mate who is emotionally abusive often uses gaslighting as a tactic as well. In many cases emotional abuse leaves the victim feeling guilty, not good enough, confused or not themselves.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is when someone hurts you by kicking, punching, spitting, hair-pulling, pinching, pushing, choking, or tripping you. Many abusers blame the victim and make them believe that either the abusive act was an accident, or the victim deserved it by their actions. It is not your partner's job to teach you a lesson especially with neither aggression nor physical contact.

If your partner physically hurts you, then you are in a physically abusive relationship and need to find a safe way to exit. Sometimes leaving an abusive relationship is more dangerous than staying. Therefore, you will need a safety plan when exiting an abusive relationship. Your first line of defense is to tell a trusted adult or a professional organization that can help you leave the relationship safely.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is when someone forces touching, kissing, rapes, or gropes you. It also includes being forced to participate or watch unwelcomed sexual acts. Even pressuring partners into sexual favors is a form of sexual abuse.

It is important to remember:

- “No” is Final: A respectful partner will not keep asking until you say yes. Pressure is not Consent.

- You Owe Noone: You do not have to perform any sexual activities just to maintain a relationship.

- Your Timeline is Valid: If you are not ready, you should not be forced to become ready. This is your decision, and your choice should be respected.

Abuse does not always present itself with obvious warning signs; it does not arrive in a “big red bow” like a car in a movie. Instead it is often silent, and victims suffer in isolation due to:

- Shame: Feeling ashamed to tell someone.

- Self-Blame: Believing they deserve the abuse and try hard to be “a better mate.”

- Fear of Judgement: Worrying that other's will not believe or understand their story.

- Confusion: Victims may not understand that what they are experiencing is abuse. Any action that is unwanted and constantly happens is abuse. So, if someone is demanding to know where you are at all times or sending you unwanted lude pictures, slandering your name on social media or releasing materials about you, they are all forms of abuse.

“I am sorry, Rachel. When I heard what happened to you, I panicked. But if it means anything, I tried really hard to get the guys to stop these games.”

“Oh, I can see that you worked really hard at it. You hosted those parties. You helped them get away with this sick mess.”

"You are right, I am a coward, I know," he paused as their eyes met."I am sorry, Rachel, and I know that we never said the actual words to each other, but I did love you. I was just wrapped up in something that I didn't know how to get out of. I hope that you can forgive me. I promise you, once I am out of here, I am going to live a better life. I don't expect you to ever talk to me again, but I will show you and everyone else that I can be a good guy."

In this passage of, What she Knew, all of the high school boys involved in the website scheme and “Olympic games” are sexual abusers. In the end, Ryan recognized his mistakes and wanted to change his ways, but he is still considered a sexual predator. Even though I felt the compassion for Ryan and wanted to feel sorry for him as I was writing his lines, we must keep in mind what initially influenced him to get involved in the scheme.

Often times abusers will have moments of remorse and promise to never hurt anyone again, however, in most cases they continue the predator behavior. The story ends where Ryan is remorseful of his actions, so we don't see him make that change.

This reflects a difficult reality found in The Meta-Analysis of Sex Offender Treatment Outcome Studies by Hanson and Morton-Bourgon (2004).

This study analyzed," A total of 31 outcome studies involving 5,393 sex offenders and found that on average, sex offender treatment reduced the risk of reoffending by 13%. This suggests that while change is possible, rehabilitation is statistically difficult, leaving a risk that an offender may continue to engage in those same behaviors.

Mental Health Disorders and Relationships

Many times, we may find a mate with undiagnosed or unmanaged mental health issues. As noted, “Mental disorders can severely disrupt daily life and cause long-term suffering if left untreated.” When we begin to notice unhealthy behaviors in our relationships, we are faced with a decision. It is important to remember that you are not bound to someone that you are dating; you must decide if this is the path that you want to continue. Am I suggesting we should leave anyone with a mental health diagnosis? No, but abuse should never be accepted regardless of anyone's diagnosis.

You are worth more than being used as an emotional or physical punching bag. Love yourself enough to demand respect and set clear expectations for how you want to be treated.

More importantly, we need to be aware of a few mental health diagnoses that often show up in relationships that cause discourse such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, and narcissism. While it is possible to have a relationship with individuals managing most of these disorders, narcissism poses a unique challenge. As long as your partner has been diagnosed and is managing his disorder through either medication or diet and exercise, then you will be able to have a successful relationship with some work. However, if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is best to leave the relationship immediately even if you just suspect that he is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. These relationships can be extremely dangerous and lead to harmful behaviors and consequences such as abuse. If you are already bound to a narcissist, there are ways you can still have a relationship. Maintaining any type of relationship will require significant work including therapy for both parties. Be prepared and understand that being in a relationship with a narcissist is draining and hard work, which is why I say walk away before you get roped in.

So, let's talk more about these disorders to prepare you as you are thinking about dating. It is important to understand different types of mental health disorders so that you know what to look for as you are choosing a partner.

Different Types of Mental Health Disorders

Anxiety

Those with anxiety disorders have excessive fear and worry. Their symptoms are severe enough to disturb everyday life. Several types of disorders are generalized anxiety disorder (G.A.D), panic disorders, separation anxiety, and social anxiety disorder.

Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by excessive worry that is difficult to control. Dealing with G.A.D can be exhausting as everyday life events may be seen as threatening. Panic disorder is when a person experiences panic attacks, and separation anxiety is when one becomes anxious when separated from loved ones. Finally, social anxiety disorder is when a person experiences excessive fear or worry in social situations.

Depression

A person can be categorized as depressed if they constantly feel irritable and empty. Those who experience a loss of pleasure in activities that normally interest them every day for at least two weeks may be depressed. Other symptoms that someone who is depressed may experience include poor concentration, disrupted sleep patterns, feelings of guilt, thoughts about dying or suicide, changes in appetite or weight, and low energy.

Bipolar

People dealing with bipolar disorder have alternate periods of depressive and manic symptoms. During their depressive state they show signs of depression. However, during their manic state, symptoms may include feelings of euphoria, irritability, increased energy, become talkative, have racing thoughts, increased self-esteem, decrease need for sleep, and have impulsive behavior. Collado, M.A, M.F.T, says that the timing on periods of depression and manic behavior depends on the person. Typically, most people with bipolar disorder experience two weeks of depression and one week of manic symptoms. However, some may not even experience manic symptoms at all.

A.D.H.D

Simply psychology states, “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder (A.D.H.D) can profoundly impact romantic relationships, creating unique challenges for both partners.” Some challenges that you might experience with a partner with A.D.H.D include regulating emotions, being inattentive, hyperactivity, lack of organization, and being hyper-focused.

Regulating Emotional Responses

Individuals with A.D.H.D may struggle with filtering their emotions, having a fluctuation in moods, and could be sensitive to criticism and view it as rejection behaviors.

Being in a relationship with a partner with A.D.H.D, you may find it challenging to connect with your partner. At times it will be difficult to anticipate their reactions, which may often cause you to feel neglected or get worried of doing the wrong thing or triggering an emotional response that may lead to an argument. Many times being in a relationship with someone with A.D.H.D may mimic a toxic relationship.

Inattentiveness

Individuals with A.D.H.D may have difficulty staying focused long enough to listen. They may also be forgetful and fail to follow-through on important behaviors.

If you experience inattentiveness in your relationship you might feel like you are not a priority and you might even feel neglected or unimportant to your partner. You may end up managing the relationship by reminding your partners of dates and expectations. You may end up even trying to manage their lives, which could cause conflict as well.

Hyperactivity

Individuals with A.D.H.D might show signs of hyperactivity by interrupting conversations or having reckless or impulsive behaviors.

You may perceive this behavior as disrespectful or inconsiderate. This may even cause conflict in your relationship as you may want the behaviors to change. However, remember, we cannot change anyone. If your partner is open to changing and managing his A.D.H.D, then you can be his support system. However, if this disorder is unmanaged, you will not be able to ask for a change in behavior and expect it, which means you will have to accept it. This might look like impulsive spending or breaking up without a reason. You may notice conversations that end in arguments because you can't express yourself due to constant interruptions.

Lack of Organization

Partners with A.D.H.D may find it difficult to both be organized and to plan. This may show up as poor time management, chronically losing items, poor financial management, and having a hard time with keeping jobs, or completing chores..

You may get frustrated with your partner especially if you consider yourself to be organized. If you are married or cohabiting you will get especially frustrated as the behaviors of your partner could directly affect you negatively. You may feel the need to manage the relationship and your partner. This could cause conflict in your relationship as your partner may not want to be managed. And you should not have to manage a relationship. You should both contribute to the relationship equally.

Being Hyper-focused

Partners with A.D.H.D may get focused on certain tasks and have a difficult time shifting gears. They may find something that really interests them and in that moment they are laser focused on that task. They may spend night and day on that task forgetting about other parts of their life and relationships.

You may get used to this and even find your own hobby, but at some point you might feel neglected by your partner or even unloved. Over time, you may also feel emotionally disconnected..

A Healthy Response To A Partner With A Mental Health Disorder

Keep in mind that no one is perfect. However, your partner must be willing to manage his disorder, so that he can come into the relationship as a healthy person. Until he can do this, you should consider not dating him. Both parties must be emotionally and mentally healthy in order for the relationship to work. In the case of a healthy partner with a managed diagnosis, approach the relationship with patience, support, and understanding.

Narcissism

Narcissism is a mental health condition where a person may have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They want others to admire them. They lack empathy and the ability to care about others. They may show extreme confidence, but really they have low self-esteem and are afraid of this knowledge about themselves will be exposed. People with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty in all areas of their lives such as school, relationships, and finances..

Narcissistic Personality Traits

• They are unhappy

• They take advantage of others

• They are impatient and angry

• They behave in an arrogant way

• They have Issues interacting with others

• They are easily slighted

• They belittle others

• They have difficulty managing emotions

• They have secret feelings of shame, insecurity, and humiliation

• They expect special favors

• They need constant validation

• They use manipulation tactics.

“Narcissistic personality disorder affects more males than females, and it often begins in the teens or early adulthood. (Mayo Clinic 2023,).” Therefore, even though women can have narcissistic traits or have N.P.D, women are more likely to end up in a relationship with a narcissist than men. This is why it is important to understand some of the tactics that narcissists use to control their partners. Gaslighting is a common tactic that a narcissist uses to gain control of their partners. Gaslighting can be described as a deliberate attempt to control someone's thinking by lying and playing tricks on them to get them to act or behave a certain way. Often times gaslighting is used to make others question their sanity, memory, or reality. It is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser may lie, blame, undermine you, or isolate you.

Consequently, those who are in narcissistic relationships might feel confused, sad, angry, guilty, and unsure. In most cases, before someone realizes that they are in a narcissistic relationship, they might feel depressed and unsure of how to feel.

Being in a narcissistic relationship can be dangerous and can change who you are if you allow it. The best line of defense against a narcissist is to know who you are and to never allow anyone to dictate who you are. You must be head strong and able to defend yourself from clouds of intentional confusion. Moreover, never getting into a relationship with a narcissist is going to actually be the better decision. Know the signs and run fast. Do not try to change him. There is no amount of love that will heal this mental health disorder. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is not like in a movie where love conquers all. Narcissist do not know how to love, so your love will look like weakness to them. By the time you realize what is going on, you will have been manipulated, abused, taken advantage of, isolated, and so very confused. You will not know the difference between what is real and what is fake.

Narcissists also use the tactic of gaining henchmen or better known as flying monkeys. It is a part of the scheme to disorientate and to control you.

Narcissist may go on a campaign to destroy your reputation so that they can further manipulate you as well as manipulate others to help them to control you. That was a lot I know, so here it is in simpler form. Narcissist will lie to others about you when you are not around.

They will paint such a bad picture of you; so much that the flying monkey will start to empathize with them and believe their lies. The next step is they will have their flying monkeys to mistreat you or dessert you. Consequently, you will be none the wiser.

You will have no clue that this is going on and will wonder because everyone is seeing the same thing about you if it is true. It's not! Know yourself, so that you can tell the narcissist and his flying monkeys, you know better than to believe their lies. This is harder than it sounds. But it is important if you don't want to lose your livelihood, yourself, and possibly your life.

If I make narcissism sound bad and scary, good. This is not a dramatized reaction to narcissism. In fact, I may not have expressed the seriousness of the disorder enough. Getting into a relationship with someone with Narcissism is like a true nightmare.

Narcissism can exists on a wide spectrum. A great drama that shows the perfect portrayal of extreme narcissism is Sleeping With The Enemy, with Julia Roberts. There are others, but this one left an impression on me. If you are still confused about what a narcissist is, watch this movie. The husband, Martin Burney, clearly displays attributes of narcissism. He is controlling, lacks empathy, is very charming, demands adoration as he is wealthy and feels a sense of superiority. He is also very possessive of Laura as he manipulates and gaslights her daily.

Pay attention to Julia Roberts,' or Laura Burney's response to Martin's abuse. Would you want a life like this? I can answer that for you. No, you would not want a life of misery when there are others that will be better suited for you.

Do not settle, because you are worth more than that. Most importantly, you will need to understand and believe this concept yourself.

A Healthy Response To a Partner With Narcissism

If you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, it will be important for you to approach the relationship delicately. Here are the do's and don'ts if you are in a relationship with someone with N.P.D.

What To Do:

- Set firm boundaries and hold your partner to them.

- Assign consequences to each boundary that is crossed or not respected.

- Accept the narcissist for who he is, but do not accept abuse.

• Leave the relationship if you can.

- Begin learning more about narcissistic personality disorder by reading books, watching videos, visiting webinars, seeking professional help.

• Find a support group.

- Learn and know who you are so that you do not listen to the lies the narcissist tells you.

• Believe your truth and verify everything that he says.

• Grieve the relationship that you thought you were in.

- Take as many breaks as you need from your partner with narcissistic traits.

• Become financially, physically, and emotionally independent

What Not To Do:

- Don't call him a narcissist. This will cause a lot of added grief.

- Don't argue with him.

- Don't try to diagnose him. If he does not have a diagnosis, but you observe traits of narcissism, seek professional help, and continue to learn more about the disorder.

- Don't accept abuse.

- Don't believe his lies.

- Don't try to change him

Keep your eyes wide open when choosing a partner. You have to accept your partner for who he is. If you do not like who they are when you meet them, walk away. Alternatively, trying to shape and mold them to what you want them to be, creates nothing but headaches and stress. Don't get me wrong, we are responsible for teaching our partners how we want to be treated. What we are not responsible for is transforming them into the guy that we want; there is a difference. Does this mean we make people disclose all mental health information at the start of a relationship? No, all we can do is pay attention to the red flags and respond appropriately, by walking away when necessary.

How To Stay Safe While Dating

“He would make me go on these double dates to convince the girls to take the pictures and keep it a secret. I was supposed to make it look like no big deal. I even took them shopping and bought gifts for them to convince them.”

“So, you would get other girls to take nude pictures?”

“Yes,” she started crying again.

"What did they do with these pictures?"

“They put them on a website for people to buy. High school kids, older men.”

“So, what happened if a girl refused to take the nude pics?”

“They invited them to their parties and drugged them with G.H.B. They would tell them that the punch was alcohol free. Then, when they were not looking, one of them would drop liquid G.H.B into their cups, and within fifteen minutes, they would start to feel drowsy. Then they would take them to one of the rooms and...” she started crying again.

“Ellie, what did they do to the girls after they were drugged?”

"It's complicated."

In the story, What She Knew, there were several other examples of domestic abuse besides this dialogue. Ellie and Raya were both in bad relationships. This was obvious to readers because most relationships don't require taking nude photos or being drugged. The reader is also able to see how easily one can be drugged at a party. That is why it is important to understand dating safety rules. You do not have to be paranoid, but it is wise to be prepared. So, if you plan to start dating soon here are some safety tips for you to follow:

Relationship Safety Tips

• Watch your surroundings.

- Never leave your food or drink unattended.

- Partner up with your friends—have a buddy system.

- If you are driving, do not sit in a parked car. As soon as you get in, drive away.

- Never walk to your car or home alone, especially in the dark.

- Have a safety plan.

- Call your parents or a friend when you are leaving for the date and when you arrive back home.

• Be sure someone knows your plans for the entire date.

• Know where you are going on your date.

- Listen to your intuition.

- If something seems to be too good to be true, research it before you say yes. You do not want to fall for a modeling fraud that turns into human trafficking.

- Know how to say no-if your partner asks you to do something that you do not want, you can say no.

Because we know that sex trafficking is prevalent, it is worth noting that we need to be especially careful with who we date and where we go on those dates. Data from Steps to Hope, highlights the gender-specific nature of sex trafficking crimes. “Women and girls continue to be disproportionately affected by human trafficking. In 2024, about 75% of identified victims were female”.

In the story, Ellie's case, serves as an example of these statistics.

Josh was only dating Ellie to get pictures of her and to blackmail her into helping him to get more pictures from other girls. He wanted to win the contest between his high school friends. After it was too late, Ellie realized she was in a world of trouble and was trying to find ways to get out of her situation. What she thought was a relationship, she quickly learned was not.

The entire ride home, Charlie tried to pretend that she was okay, but it was getting harder and harder because she had nothing to say to Mason. The car ride home was quiet and tense; she just did not know why. She was also anxious to see what this balled-up paper Ellie gave her was all about. It was like it was burning a hole in her pocket.

She quickly got out of the car when they arrived at her house.

“Hey, so when can we hang out again?”

“I will call you,” she said, closing the passenger door and walking into her house.

She tried to go straight to her room, but her parents were waiting for her and wanted to know all about her date. She lied and told them how wonderful it was and how much fun she had. She told them that she was tired and just wanted to go to bed..

In this example, readers also witness the beginning of Charlie and Mason's relationship. It seemed like a normal high school crush, but it turned into what we call an unhealthy relationship. Thank goodness Charlie started to listen to her intuition, but not before doing something she did not feel comfortable doing. Hopefully, you were able to notice the behaviors that Charlie exhibited after her date with Mason. She lied to her parents about the date. However, at the end of the day when she was alone, she was uneasy about the entire date, especially after Ellie slipped that note to her. While I cannot compare this fictional story with real-life human trafficking experiences in the United States, I hope that you can understand the severity of being careful with whom you date and where you go. Please be knowledgeable and careful every time you walk out of the house.

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

Chase finally got the courage to ask Charlie out, and they immediately hit it off. They spent a lot of time together, and Charlie was happy that she had chosen right this time. She couldn't believe she was so infatuated with Mason that she couldn't see that he was not good for her. Instead, she ignored the signals from Chase that he was interested.

She remembered how nervous he was sometimes in the journalism club, but she also remembered how much fun they had. He was very smart and paid attention to her. She liked that about him.

This illustration of Charlie and Chase is the perfect example of a healthy relationship. Once Charlie was able to forgive herself for falling victim of Mason's trap, she was also able to identify unacceptable behaviors. Mason was exhibiting in their relationship.

More importantly, she recognized how uneasy she felt when she was with him. We have all experienced that nagging sense of hesitation that makes us apprehensive about someone or something. In a healthy relationship, you should not have that feeling. In fact, you should feel a sense of security, reliability, consistency, and peace.

Traits of Healthy Relationships

Trust

• Compromise

Kindness

Commitment

• Understanding

• Self-confidence

• Good communication

Supportive

• Respect

Honesty

• Fighting fair

Independent

Moreover, when you are in a healthy relationship, you should feel happy and should be able to express yourself without judgement. Communication is important, and you must be able to speak freely. On the contrary, if you feel uncomfortable communicating with your partner in fear that he may get upset, break up with you, make fun of you, or refuse to listen, then it may signify that you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Always remember, no one is the boss in a relationship, the two of you are committed to each other. No one should tell you what you can or cannot do. You can be respectful of your partner's wishes, but those wishes should not be a way to control you. There is a difference between controlling and commitment. Commitment does not mean that you have to do everything that your partner wants.

If you do not agree or feel comfortable with the request, then do not do it. Additionally, in a healthy relationship, your partner will not force or guilt you into doing anything that you do not want. In fact, he will support and respect your views. Even when you both disagree, you should still have respect for one another's perspectives.

You should not lose your support system just because you have an opinion. The beauty of a healthy relationship is you will matter!

I bet that last sentence made you smile. We all want to matter to someone and to be loved. So, are you ready to reciprocate? In order to have a healthy partner, you have to be healthy yourself. "Let's say you have trauma, if you don't get healed from that trauma, you are going to find someone who may possibly retraumatize you.

You are going to find that narcissist, you're going to find that psychopath-someone with a personality disorder in your relationship-because you are going to continue that childhood theme. If you are not healed, you will find someone on that level and you will continue the pattern of what you have been going through" (Collado M.A, M.F.T). Go through the steps necessary to be healthy by talking to a friend, or a trusted adult. If you have been through trauma, you can talk to a therapist to help you process the trauma and heal.

Do not attempt to start a relationship and expect your partner to heal you. Most likely that relationship will end in disaster. You may also end up hurting your partner because hurt people usually hurt others. Just as you would not go to war without ammunition, don't start a relationship without the proper tools. You must be healthy and ready to share yourself with your partner.

Therefore, are you healthy and prepared to demonstrate understanding, commitment, support, respect, trustworthiness, kindness, honesty, and fairness? Just as we expect to express ourselves without being ridiculed or shamed, we have to do the same for our partners. I have a son and would want his partner to treat him the way that I am teaching him to treat women. We want not only our daughters to have healthy and happy relationships, but we also want our sons to have them as well. It would hurt my heart just as much to know that my son was in an unhealthy relationship as it would my daughter.

Additionally, we need to realize, though we teach our partners how we want to be treated we cannot force him to be someone he is not. He deserves to be loved and accepted the way he is as well. In the same respect, you cannot be someone you are not, so do not try to be who he wants you to be. You have to both know who you are as well as be yourself. Remember, the only behaviors you should accept are healthy behaviors. If he has unhealthy behaviors, you still cannot change those behaviors for him. You can set boundaries for yourself and if he pushes or breaks those boundaries, then you can decide what you will do. For instance, if your partner watches porn and you do not like that, you can ask him to stop, but most likely he will only stop when he is with you.

You will need to decide if you are going to stay in that relationship or not. Consequently, you cannot change his actions only your reaction. In other words, bring to the relationship what you expect to get out of it. You must be emotionally and mentally healthy just as you expect from him.

If you do not remember one thing, remember this, your partner is not responsible for your happiness, you are. He is responsible for being a good partner and creating the type of relationship with you that makes you happy. So, as you are embarking on your adventure to find a good mate, keep in mind that no one is perfect. You will need to decide what behaviors you are willing to accept in a relationship. Likewise, make sure that what you are accepting from your partner is healthy.

He walked into the journalism office and saw Charlie sitting in front of the room. He loved these meetings before classes. They mainly discussed the school newspaper, but what Chase liked most was being able to see Charlie. They were both Juniors, and he thought she was a pretty cool person.

She loved true crime, which is why they focused a lot of their stories on true crime. He would much rather discuss politics, but at this point, he didn't mind.

Charlie was the president of the club, and Chase felt like she did a great job with distributing work and producing great leads. He wasn't really a fan of school, but this club made it worth it. It only happened twice a week, but with all the work they put into getting the school newspaper together, they ended up getting together more often. They worked closely with broadcasting and were on a tight schedule to get all the news together for that team. Chase didn't care how much work he had put into it; he just liked the fact that he got to hang out with Charlie. He walked in and headed her way.

In this example, Charlie misses all the signs that Chase likes her because she is so infatuated with Mason, whom she thought was good for her. It turned out that he was the direct opposite. So, what makes Chase a better mate for Charlie? He states that he did not treat girls like objects, when he is in conversation with his twin sister, Ellie. He listens to Charlie and genuinely likes the person she already is. He is not looking to change who she is or make her behave in a certain way. Chase makes Charlie laugh and he was willing to protect her when they were in trouble. In other words, he has respect for the person that she is. This is the type of respect you should be looking for in a mate. Though we did not get to witness more of the relationship between Chase and Charlie, it is easy to see that he had her best interest at heart, which is also especially important.

Chapter One Challenge

After reading this chapter, can you distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship? What about you, are you emotionally healthy and ready to date?

Challenge: Look at the list below and circle the traits that describe you. Did you circle all of them? Now put a check mark on each trait that describes the person you are dating or thinking about dating. How many traits do the two of you have in common?

Healthy Traits

• Trustworthy

• Knows how to compromise

• Kind

• Committed

• Understanding

• Self-confidence

• Good communicator

• Supportive

• Shows respect

• Honest

• Fight fairly

• Independent

What traits do you need to work on? What traits does he need to work on in order for you to have a healthy relationship with him?

Healthy Traits

Trustworthy

Know how to compromise

Kind

• Committed

• Understanding

• Self-confidence

• Good communicator

Supportive

• Respectful

Honest

• Fight fairly

• Independent

Reflect on your answers before you decide if this is a good relationship to start or not. Will a relationship work with this person?

_ _

Chapter One Takeaway

Chapter Two Choosing a Healthy Partner

We all want the chance to be happy, right? As you are choosing a partner, keep this in mind. How do we find those partners that are healthy, gorgeous and will contribute to your happiness? Well, my list was actually a lot longer than this one. But what about you? Do you have a list already? If you don't you need to make one. Just know that you may not be able to check every trait off you list, but you need to start somewhere. You must know what you want in a partner. However, do not get so caught up in your list that you forget about the actual guy, his heart, and his soul. If you are still a young teenager and you are just starting to date, you probably have no clue what you want or why you need a list. You just want to go out with the cutest boy in school, or that guy who keeps coming up to your job ordering way too much. You want to find out what he is like when it is just the two of you together. Well, these things can get us into trouble. Remember, I am writing from a Christian view. A worldly view would say go ahead ask him out and see where it takes you. However, if we are dating to marry, this tactic will not work. So if you see that guy and think my, my, my, pull out your list and start checking the boxes. See how close he is to what you would want in a partner. Why is this important? Too often, we get into relationships because the guy was so cute, or his biceps kept speaking to us, and by the time we realize the relationship is not going to work, for some of us it is too late. The famous words," But I love him," will form on your lips as you are defending him or trying to figure out why you are with him in the first place.

Let's face it, we sometimes don't choose who we love. But we do have the opportunity to step back and evaluate our choice to stay or leave someone we love once we determine if he is the right fit for us. Sometimes love is not enough especially if it compromises your beliefs, values, or morals. If you are already married, the conversation will be a little different for you because you took vowels. However, there is one exception and that is with abuse. No matter what vow you took, you never have to accept abuse. God does not want or expect you to stay in an abusive relationship whether you are married or not. No, it is not your cross to bear. You must protect yourself and staying in an abusive marriage is doing the direct opposite.

The Tool (My Partner Wish List)

- He is God-fearing-he has to know God, have a relationship with God, and be willing to lead his family in God

- He has a stable job with benefits

- He has a College degree

- He has his own transportation

- He has his own home or apartment

- He is a good decision maker

- He is a good financial planner

- He is organized and appreciates a clean home

- He must want children and be a partner in parenting

- He must help around the house

- He must go to work, not just have a job

- He is a nice person in general

- Has to keep up with personal hygiene-cannot be ragged

- He is both mentally and physically healthy

- He is fair and empathetic

- He is respectful

- He is trustworthy

- He is ambitious

Bonus Traits

- He is gorgeous

- Has a fit body

- Fun with a great sense of humor

- Loves to dance and sing

- He is creative

- He has great style—especially his shoes

My list is not appropriate for a young teenager as she will not be dating anyone with a college degree or good job yet. Even though young teens are not old enough to consider marriage, their list should mimic the desired attributes of their future partner. For example, a fifteen-year-old who is thinking of dating might have a list similar to this:

- He is God-fearing-he has to know God, have a relationship with God, and be willing to lead his family in God in the future

- He is a nice person in general

- He has to keep up with personal hygiene-cannot be ragged

- He is fair and empathetic

- He is respectful of others

- He is respectful of adults

- He is trustworthy

- He follows rules and the law

- He has ambitions and dreams for his life

- He wants to attend college or trade school

- He is good-looking

- He takes care of himself

- He is a great listener

Notice how the lists are similar and at the top of both lists is God fearing. It is important that your partner's belief system aligns with yours. Relationships are already hard enough on their own, you do not need a difference in beliefs making it harder.

Once you have created your list, you will be equipped with a tool to find a good partner. Your next goal is to utilize your list and check as many traits off as you can. When you created your list, you wrote down everything that you wanted, therefore, this is your chance to get what you want.

Just keep in mind that the heart matters too. What do I mean by this? I mean to say that if you meet someone, and he does not go to college, but he has a good job and has a good work ethic, should you walk away? This is up to you; you are the only one who can answer this question. If it is important to you for your partner to attend college or hold a degree, then you should walk away.

However, if it is not important to you, then by all means, go for it especially if he meets all your other standards. Moreover, be sure that you have some non-negotiables on your list. These are standards that you do not bend.

It is important to examine your list before you determine who you will date because it keeps you grounded and focused. Ask anyone who has been in a bad relationship, most of their stories will be similar. Either they ended up with someone with unmanaged mental health issues, or they were infatuated with him and ignored the red flags. Well now you have a tool to help you to stay on task. Use it to not only to find a partner, but to find a friend as well. And if you learn that he was only meant to be in your life for a season, that is okay. Examine your relationship, reflect on what you learned from the relationship, and move on!

Seasonal Partners

Even though you may find someone that seems like the perfect match, he may not be your lifelong partner. Instead he may be someone who is only meant to be in your life for the season. These seasonal partners should be viewed as steppingstones, merely getting you to the point where you want to be. The idea is to know when someone you are dating is a steppingstone or your lifelong partner.

Your list for finding a partner should be used in both cases. In other words, do not try to force a relationship to last. Once you know that the relationship is over, it is wise to leave. Otherwise, you will end up prolonging your relationship like trying to fit a size eight into a size six. I know leaving a relationship can be difficult, but staying in a relationship that is already over is worse.

Family Members and Partners

Have you seen the movie Monster-in-Law starring Jennifer Lopez? I would never want to get stuck in a marriage with a mother-in-law like the one portrayed in that movie played by Jane Fonda. In fact, I always tell my children that when they start dating, to date people that will love their family. This is so important. I have five brothers and three sisters. This means I have eight chances of adding bonus siblings to my family. What a nightmare it would be if I hated all of them. Thank goodness, I have in-laws that I absolutely love.

I was in college with five of my siblings when we all started dating. We were about one to two years apart from each other and all at the college age. Three of us were even at the same college.

Those study sessions were the best ever. My brother tutored my twin sister and me in finite math because whoever understands Finite math. At the time, he also tutored my now sister-in-law. We had fun with those parties, educational debates, game nights, study sessions, and dinners.

Eventually after meeting new girlfriends and boyfriends, we started to settle down. My brother got married first and within a few years, my younger brother followed suit. By the time we were all married, I was blessed with bonus siblings that I love and enjoy being around.

Once we started having children, we would have huge gatherings just to let our children play. I count this experience as a blessing and want this same experience for others. So, it is important that when you are dating someone, he is someone that you can bring home to not only your parents, but your siblings as well. You will want them to get along.

Finding a lifelong partner is a process; it is not a race. In fact, it is healthy to remain single for a while. Sometimes finding yourself is the most important work you can do. In the meantime, before you start to date, ask yourself:

- Do I know who I am?

- Do I know what I want?

- Do I know what my non-negotiables are?

It is difficult to make a sound decision if you are not sure how to answer these questions. Being without a partner allows you to reflect on what you want and the type of relationship that you are seeking. Most importantly, it allows you to develop a foundation of self-love. Once you are confident in your identity, you are less likely to fall into the trap of a toxic relationship.

Because you will know your worth, you will be able to detect when someone does not have your best interests at heart. You will be able to detect red flags such as bad intentions, fake actions, immoral tactics, masks, gaslighting, unmanaged mental health issues, and those serial cheaters. This is a great tool to have and will save you significant pain and time. Therefore, taking the time to know who you are, what you want, and loving and respecting yourself will benefit you.

Often people ask, what does it mean to actually love and respect yourself? I understand how confusing it can be. Sometimes it is necessary to have concrete examples to help grasp the idea. Here are a few examples.

How I know that I love and respect myself:

1. I set personal boundaries that will protect me.

2. I walk away from those who try to push my boundaries.

3. I speak up when someone physically or emotionally hurts me.

4. I hold people accountable for pushing my boundaries.

5. I respect others' boundaries.

6. I take care of myself and present a healthy appearance.

7. I respect my body and dress and carry myself accordingly.

8. I am comfortable with who I am, how I look, and how I feel about myself.

9. I allow myself to make mistakes and I learn from them.

10. I choose partners that reflect my belief system.

11. I choose partners that I am proud to introduce to my family.

12. I choose partners that respect my boundaries.

13. I do not look to my partners to fulfill me.

14. I am a good partner to someone else.

Chapter Two Challenge

The biggest takeaway from this chapter is making a list of traits you are looking for in a partner. So let's try it.

Challenge A: Make a list of at least ten traits you look for in a partner.

1. _ _

2. _ _

3. _ _

4. ___ _

5. _ _

6. ___ _

7. ___ _

8. ___ _

Challenge B: Name all the ways that you know you love yourself.

Chapter Two Takeaway

Chapter Three Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential for any healthy dynamic. To set them and to respect the boundaries of others, we must first define what they are. A boundary is a personal limit that you create for yourself; it defines a set of rules indicating how you will be treated by others. It serves as the foundation for a healthy relationship. When I asked Collado M.A, M.F.T to define boundaries, she shared this perspective:

“Basically boundaries are rules in the relationship. Imagine a house with a fence. Your neighbor has a fence and a door. The fence is a boundary; the locked door is a boundary. It keeps everybody safe in a relationship and then you know the expectations. It causes a lot of anxiety when you don't know what is expected of you and when you don't know what the other person expects. So it is important to have those rules in the relationship.”

Truthfully, setting boundaries is a skill that takes practice. It can be confusing at first. Go back and reread the definition above several times and as you begin to apply it, you will begin to understand how to set them better. Throughout this book, you will have more opportunities to deepen your understanding of the term and how to properly set boundaries. Furthermore, to set boundaries, “You have to ask yourself what feels safe to you. What are you willing to deal with? You have to have those negotiables and non-negotiables and then negotiate what makes you feel safe. Have a conversation with your mate and make sure that you are clear with what you want, and what is important to you” (Collado, M.A, M.F.T).

Setting and Enforcing Boundaries

They walked over to the waterfall, and Charlie posed with a smile. Mason took the picture and looked at his phone.

“I want another one, but this time let's get a little creative. Let's show a little skin.”

She looked down at the shirt and baggy jeans she was wearing. The shirt was cropped, and she was not sure how to show more skin without stripping down to her underwear.

“More skin? Are you crazy?” she said, laughing.

“Come on, girl, get your head out of the gutter. I would never ask you to do something like that. Just like take your shirt off your shoulder and here,” he handed her a tube of red lipstick. “Put this on.” (Bonisa, 2025, p 53.).

Setting boundaries is only the first step. An essential next step is to enforce it. Consider Charlie, who set a clear boundary: she did not want to take suggestive pictures or wear red lipstick. Mason, however, pushed those boundaries and eventually convinced her to do both. Even though it went against her internal instincts, she did it. This was her first dating experience and even though she knew something felt wrong, she was not sure what to do.

When someone pushes your boundaries, it will always feel uncomfortable. You may not be able to name how you feel in the moment, but you will know something is wrong. Consequently, when others push your boundaries and try to convince you to go against them, it is essential to hold them responsible for their actions. Charlie eventually did this by choosing not to go out with Mason again. If she had more experience with dating, she might have noticed his tactics immediately.

Furthermore, never agree to do something that you are not comfortable with doing. If anyone asks you to go against your beliefs, they are not your friend. Friends respect each other's boundaries, but it is ultimately up to you to hold them responsible for keeping them.

Often a lack of confidence prevents us from holding others accountable for pushing our boundaries. You must be confident in your beliefs and know that your boundaries are a valid tool for self-protection.

“I think most people struggle with asking for what they want and what they believe that they deserve because if they are always used to taking the burnt toast, then they are not going to have boundaries that is going to advocate for themselves. They will always allow the other person to have what they want and to get their needs met” (Collado, M.A, M.F.T)

Consequently, we may allow others to persuade us into uncomfortable situations because we might feel silly for having the boundary in the first place. However, when you possess a strong sense of self, you understand what keeps you safe versus what makes you uneasy. So, do not allow someone else to set your boundaries or tell you what your boundaries should be. Everyone has different limits and it is important that you express yours.

Conversely, there are a set of boundaries that healthy people have in common. So how do we set boundaries? Setting boundaries depend solely on what makes you comfortable. However, self-respect and self-love will guide your boundary setting strategy. There are different categories of boundaries that we can set in relationships. There are physical, emotional, time limits, financial (for older dating or married couples), and communication boundaries.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries

• Respect my comfort level with physical touch. (Physical)

• Acknowledge that we are partners yet individuals and must respect each other's privacy. (Emotional)

- If we are in a heated discussion, do so without yelling or using aggression. (Emotional)

- Respect when I want to be heard and don't treat me badly when we do not agree. (Emotional, Communication)

• Allow me to have my own opinions. (Emotional, Communication)

- Treat me with respect and do not make fun of me and call it simple teasing. (Emotional)

- Respect our relationship as a couple and set healthy boundaries with opposite-sex friendships. (Emotional)

• Respect the fact that I need time to myself. (Time Limits)

• Be fair with your financial commitments. (Financial)

- Do not withhold your contributions to our home or be dishonest about your earnings. (Financial)

• Continue to communicate even when you are upset with me.

(Communication)

- Communicate with me, not other people about me. (Communication)

- Allow me to talk without interrupting me. (Communication)

• Give me time after an argument to process. (Emotional)

Maintaining Boundaries

It is common to remind others of your boundaries several times before they start to respect them. This process can be exhausting, and you may feel tempted to give up. Do not give up. There are those who will keep pushing your boundaries because that is exactly what they want you to do. On the other hand, others may truly need the reminder. In both cases, you are your only advocate and therefore need to stay strong.

So how do we maintain our boundaries? We have to assign a consequence to anyone who intentionally pushes them consistently. You can start setting and maintaining your own boundaries by following these steps:

How to Set Boundaries

1. Identify your limits and create a list of boundaries. You can start with my list or create your own.

Example of a boundary: "Please do not talk over me or interrupt me when I am talking."

2. Communicate the boundary clearly to your mate by being direct and firm.

Example: "If you talk over me, I will end the conversation and walk away."

3. Hold others accountable for respecting your boundaries even after you have repeatedly reminded them. You will need to be consistent, which will require courage. This is harder than it sounds and it is sometimes easier to let it slide. Just know if you let it slide, it will be harder to set boundaries with that person in the future.

Example: "We talked about you not talking over me in conversations, remember. I am going to walk away from this conversation if you can't respect that boundary."

4. Model respecting your partner's boundaries. If he has not shared them with you, then you can ask him or show him the type of respect that you are asking for as well.

Example: “I have shared my boundaries with you, what are your boundaries?”

5. Assign a consequence to your partner every time he does not respect your boundaries.

Example: "Okay, I have to walk away now. You keep talking over me. Let me know when you are ready to have a respectful conversation."

Manipulation Or Boundaries: How to Tell

If you are not yet convinced that healthy relationships involve setting boundaries by now. I hope that at some point I can convince you how important it is to set them. It is the difference between a healthy, happy relationship and an unhealthy one. Without boundaries you are at risk of abuse, obsessive behavior, and having an unbalanced and unfulfilling relationship.

Additionally, setting boundaries allows you to be empowered, safe, and fulfilled. Respecting other's boundaries also creates a mutually respectful partnership.

So, what if your partner shares a boundary with you that makes you feel uncomfortable? How do we know when we are being manipulated by our partners under the guise of being his boundary? This does happen and you need to be prepared to shut it down immediately. It will be a good idea for you to completely understand what a boundary is to distinguish between the two.

For example, your partner tells you that his boundary is for you to be home at a certain time so that he does not have to worry about you. You can confidently tell him that this is not a boundary for him. It is a control tactic to keep you from social events.

His boundaries should not include telling you what to do. It should involve only him and how he needs to be treated. Let's use the example discussed earlier. The boundary was for him not to talk over you. You are not telling him that he cannot join in the conversation, you are asking him to wait his turn so that you can be heard. In his request, he is telling you how long you can spend away from him.

There is a big difference. In the first situation he is not respecting the fact that you are speaking. In the second situation, it has nothing to do with the way you are treating him, but how he is restricting your social events.

This can get tricky especially with manipulative people. So, how can you tell if someone is manipulating you or setting a boundary? If their boundary involves a behavior change on your part to make them feel better, it is manipulation.

Ultimatums, threats, and control are not boundaries. However, they can be made to feel or look like boundaries. In fact, your boundaries can even be made to look and feel like manipulation as well. This is where you must be confident in your own boundaries so that you are not manipulated to change them.

You must remember, setting boundaries is not a strategy to get whatever you want from your partner. It is a necessary component to teach others how you want to be treated. We will take some time to manipulation tactics. Here is a list of manipulation tactics, masked to look like boundaries.

Manipulation Tactics

"I don't like it when you wear short skirts, please put on something longer."

“I miss you when you are out with other people. I should be your first priority.”

“I want my girl to look a certain way. Please wear your hair down when we go out together.”

“If you talk to her again, we are done.”

"Why would you follow her on Facebook? She is beneath you. I need you to block her."

“It makes me uncomfortable when you sing. I like your voice but, you are no Beyonce.”

“I need to look through your phone? I want us to be 100% honest with each other.”

"Your mom is toxic; you should limit how often you see her. It hurts to see her treat you that way."

• “You have too many family functions, why can't we skip a few to be just us, you know. I need to spend time with you too”

"Why do you have to go out again tonight? What about spending time with me? I need to be with someone who does not need everyone else to be happy"

Are you ready to start setting some healthy boundaries? It might surprise you, but setting boundaries can save a relationship? When you feel protected and safe, you can shift your focus from preserving yourself to the relationship itself. On the contrary, if you do not feel secure in your relationship, you end up trapped in a cycle much like a hamster on a wheel constantly trying to create your environment to feel safe without ever communicating what you actually need. Overall, setting boundaries is a tool for longevity in your relationship.

Chapter Three Challenge

What are your boundaries? It is important to know them before you start to date.

Challenge: Make a list of your boundaries and reflect on your non-negotiables. Put your boundaries into categories of importance.

Boundaries

1. _ _

2. _ _

3. _ _

4. _ _

5. _ _

6. _ _

7. _ _

8. _ _

Table summary: The table provides a framework for categorizing items based on their level of priority, ranging from non-negotiable to less important, although no specific data is currently populated within these categories.

Nice job, you should feel excited about setting your standards for finding a partner. Remember, this is your tool, so use it.

Chapter Three Takeaway

Chapter Four Peaceful Conflict Resolutions

Did you know that having conflicts in your relationship is perfectly normal? When two people from different backgrounds, experiences, and beliefs come together, disagreements are inevitable as you learn to co-exist. If you have chosen someone well suited for you, then solving conflicts should not be an issue. The presence of conflict is not the problem-the way you manage it is. To solve conflicts effectively, you must understand the type of person you are dating and how they solve conflicts. If solving conflicts becomes physical, demeaning, and name calling is involved, that is the incorrect way to solve an issue. After all the whole point of having a conflict is to solve it. In most cases, people just want to be validated and heard. When this does not happen, it causes them to get upset and defensive. For relationships to thrive, both partners must feel safe to express their opinions without fear of judgement. Too often, we don't speak up and end up resenting our partners, which is unfair to them as well. So let's explore what healthy communication looks like.

There is a right way and a wrong way to communicate with your partner especially during a disagreement. The right way to communicate is when both parties are being heard and respected and there is a peaceful solution. As you have different wants and needs, in most cases a peaceful resolution will involve compromise. Maybe you lose this time and the next time he loses. Or maybe you might produce a way that both of you win or both of you lose. The wrong way is when one person dominates the conversation, yelling is involved, and more conflicts stem from the original conflict raised.

Obviously, the right way is more productive as well as conducive to a healthy relationship. So what causes couples to engage in the wrong type of communication? Most of what we bring to a relationship comes from our childhoods. Maybe we watched our parents hatch out disagreements by yelling at each other.

Maybe we watched our parents argue and then avoid each other for days. Some of us may have been fortunate enough to never hear their parents raise their voices to each other. Furthermore, how we respond to conflict is embedded in us. If we are using a form of communication that is detrimental to ourselves as well as to others, we need to retrain our brains to use effective communication instead.

Four different types of communication styles are passive, assertive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive. Each communication style has a specific strategy and outcome. Consequently, the outcome of your conflict will greatly depend on your style and your partner's style as you are communicating. It will also determine the dynamics of your relationship as well. So, let's talk more about each style of communication and how they affect relationships.

Passive

Communication style: In this style of communication, a person may be timid and shy. They avoid expressing their true feelings, thoughts, or needs to avoid conflict or to protect someone else's feelings.

Pros: You avoid conflicts, which makes you feel safe. You will have the facade of a 'nice girl.'

Cons: Your feelings, thoughts, and needs will never be heard or met. You will bottle up your feelings, and he will not know the real you. You will feel like a doormat and feel resentful towards him.

Heathy Communication Meter: Being passive in any relationships is very unhealthy. You are important and should not put anyone else's needs before yours. There are two people in a relationship, and two people should get their needs met.

When you use this type of communication and never speak up about your needs, you are not being fair to yourself or to your partner. In most cases, your partner is willing to meet your needs, but he has to know what they are first. Holding back on what you really need, feel, or think is not an accurate depiction of who you are.

You are giving him a fabricated version of you and just like you, he deserves better. If you want to have a healthy relationship, it is imperative to speak up; to share your thoughts, your dreams, and needs. Even if you are afraid of conflict, or that he will leave you, it is still important to speak up.

Why Speaking Up Matters

When emotions are bottled up, they can reach a breaking point. This pressure leads to outbursts that could lead to self-harm, physical conflict, or damage to the relationship. Furthermore, silence allows us to create stories in our heads, and we start to live a life that is not based in reality. By sharing your needs, you give your partner the chance to both listen and support you.. Give yourself the opportunity to know what if feels like to get your needs met and to be heard.

In addition, if you express yourself and there is a conflict, so what? Having conflicts bring us closer to our partners, because part of the conflict teachers us how each other wants to be treated. In the worst-case scenario, he gets upset and leaves, then he was not meant for you in the first place. Which means the conflict served its purpose. Just because you do not say it aloud does not mean it is not true. If you feel a certain way, it is best to let him know and allow him to have his own reaction, instead of you controlling the outcome.

Aggressive:

Communication Style: An aggressive style of communication is better described as being a bully. You do what it takes to get what you want. You may even violate others to get it. You not only dominate the argument, but you also win as well. You may even yell or blame others and interrupt them to make your own point.

Pros: You win arguments and may get what you want.

Cons: You alienate others and damage trust in relationships.

Healthy Communication Meter: Someone who uses aggression as a communication style feels like they are the most important person in the relationship. This is a very unhealthy communication style. When you only care about getting your needs met, the relationship is unbalanced. No conflicts can be solved fairly with this communication style.

You would not be in a relationship because a relationship involves two people, not just one person loosing themselves to another. No one should be expected to ignore who they are, or their thoughts and feelings to be in a relationship. It is hard to communicate with someone who believes only their needs should be met. In this case you will dominate the conversation and express your needs and never ask about his needs. You will expect him to give in every time so that you can be happy and feel heard. Think about it, if you are in a relationship wouldn't you want to actually get to know the other person and work as a team? Being aggressive during an argument you will never know who or what your partner wants especially if he is passive. You would be ignoring your partner's needs so that you can be happy.

Win, win, right, wrong aggressive communicators often end up alone eventually because no one wants to be around them. After a while, their behaviors are not welcomed or tolerated. Their behaviors are toxic and create an unstable environment. Your partner will not be able to trust you with his feelings, because he will not feel like you care, which will create other issues. Mostly, an argument between an aggressive communicator and a passive communicator may look like one is more dominant.

But a relationship with two aggressive communicators is a recipe for unresolved conflict and a hostile environment. In both situations, the conflict does not get peacefully solved and each of you loses the opportunity to learn more about each other.

Passive-aggressive

Communication Style: Being passive-aggressive is a mixture of being passive at times and aggressive at others. It also means behaving in a way that is confusing and unclear to your partner. You want him to know how you feel, but you do not want to hurt his feelings, or you are too scared to let him know.

Pros: You feel like you were heard without hurting his feelings.

Cons: Your partner may not get the message. You create an unstable environment. Your partner has to guess what you are thinking.

Healthy Communication Meter: Using this type of communication style could be useful at times but it is not the best style of communication. Effective communication involves being honest and clear about your needs, thoughts, and feelings. Passive-aggressive communicators may believe they are trying to express themselves without hurting the feelings of others, but instead they are being more hurtful than heard. Your partner may not understand why you are acting the way that you are, and you will not be able to solve conflicts.

We all have used these tactics when we want to avoid an argument and can identify passive-aggressive behavior. It may seem like using these gestures are safer, but in reality you may not get the outcome that you were hoping for as these behaviors may lead to bigger conflicts.

Passive-aggressive behavior:

• Using sarcasm instead of coming out and saying what you mean.

• Giving someone the silent treatment instead of asking for space.

- Having an attitude towards your partner instead of telling him what he has done to upset you.

- Banging and knocking things around instead of telling your partner why he made you upset.

- Playing ill or acting like you are busy instead of saying we go out too much and you want to stay home.

- Breaking his chair during the moving process instead of telling him that it is ugly and you don't want to put it in your new home.

- Behaving like you are being mistreated when you do not get your way.

- Excluding his friend from your party instead of telling him that he hits on you when he is not looking.

• Sabotaging dinner plans so you don't have to go instead of saying you don't want to go.

- If he asks you what's wrong, and you say nothing, but still will not talk to him and behave like you are upset with him.

Assertive

Communication Style: I love the way that Therapist Aid describes assertiveness. "Assertiveness refers to healthy balance between passive and aggressive communication. You clearly state your own needs, and you advocate to have them met. However, you listen to, acknowledge, and respect the needs of others. This means finding compromise."

Pros: You will get your needs met. You will teach others how to treat you. You will be an effective communicator. You will understand your partner better.

Cons: Others may not like you asking for what you need.

Healthy Communication Meter: If you have not guessed it yet, being assertive in an argument is demonstrating effective communication. This is the healthiest way to communicate with someone especially if you are having a disagreement. Remember, people want to be heard and validated. You do not have to always agree with your partner, but at least you can acknowledge that you have heard what they are saying and can understand why they feel the way that they do. Using validation can decrease the amount of frustration one feels during an argument. It is the process to deescalate conflicts and to show empathy to your partner. When you are validated you matter.

Understanding your communication style and the communication style of your partner is helpful when understanding the dynamic of the relationship. Your communication styles will form that dynamic. If you are in a relationship where conflicts are common and you feel like they often go unresolved, maybe it is time to find a better way to communicate with each other. With practice you can learn how to have more effective communication. An assertive communicator will exhibit the following behaviors. Using these strategies during a conversation will help you to become a more effective communicator. However, both parties will need to practice good communication strategies.

Otherwise, you will have to navigate a draining conversation being responsible for all the work as well as dodging unhealthy behaviors during an argument.

Effective Communication Strategies

- Listen without thinking-It may be tempting but you cannot hear your partner properly if you are thinking about your response or what you will make for dinner while they are talking.

- Maintain eye contact-when you are looking at your partner, it is a part of active listening. He will feel like he is being heard. Looking at your phone during a conversation is not effective listening.

- Open body language-Keeping open body language will portray that you are listening and are ready to hear what he is saying.

- Do not interrupt-Allow your partner to speak. You cannot actively listen to someone that you interrupt.

- Validate-He needs to know that you understand why he feels the way that he does. You do not have to agree with him. Often repeating what he said back to him and then letting him know that you understand will help him to feel validated.

- Be clear and concise-When you are speaking, be clear and concise Avoid blaming each other and work as a team. Be honest and fair. Remember your goal is not to convince him, but to express your feelings. You will get frustrated when you do not convince him to feel the way that you feel or think.

- Use 'I statements'-Using 'I' statements take the blame away from your comment and deescalate feelings of frustration.

- Take time outs-When things get heated, take a break. Remember that you love this person and that each of you are only trying to get their needs met.

- Forgive and move on-Once the conversation is over forgive and move on. Avoid bringing up old issues.

Additionally, it is perfectly normal to disagree with your partner. It is also normal to get frustrated during an argument. Using effective communication skills will help you to navigate both these feelings and disagreements. Learn to respect each other's views, be fair, validate, use active listening, and aim for a win, win outcome. Overall, do not try to avoid conflicts as this strategy will be detrimental to the longevity of your relationship.

Chapter Four Challenge

Navigating conflicts in relationships can be difficult at times. With a plan, this task can be much more manageable.

Challenge: Read the passive-aggressive ways to solve conflict. Which one describes you? If you are assertive or aggressive think of your mate or someone you know to complete this challenge.

Behavior Inventory

Table summary: This table presents a self-assessment checklist of various negative interpersonal behaviors and coping mechanisms used to gauge whether they describe the individual.

1. What do you notice about the inventory of your behaviors?

2. Pick two behaviors that you are willing to change to exhibit a healthier communication style and then fill in the action steps.

A.I will change _ _ so that I can effectively communicate with others. I will do this by: (write down three action steps)

1. 2

B. I will change _ _ so that I can effectively communicate with others. I will do this by: (write down three action steps)

1. 2 3.

Chapter Four Takeaway

Chapter Five How to know When To Leave Or Stay

Ladies you could probably write this chapter yourselves. Chances are you already know when it is time to leave someone. We all have that inner voice that keeps us in check. But just in case you are not in tuned with your intuition, let me provide you with very clear guidelines for leaving or staying. We have already discussed what a healthy relationship looks like, but too often we may get a little confused about what is right in front of us.

Ellie closed her eyes and waited a moment to gather herself. When she opened them, she took a deep breath, and she started at the beginning.

“You know I was dating Josh, right?” she sat down at the kitchen table.

“The super senior, yeah, you could do a lot better than that guy,” Chase said, sitting next to her.

“He started out being the perfect gentleman, but right after I really started to like him, he started asking me for favors. He wanted me to,” she hesitated.

“What kind of favors, Ellie? Chase said, patiently.

“First, he wanted to take pictures of me. Like, really inappropriate pictures. I really liked him, so I decided to take the pictures. But he didn't stop there. He then wanted me to take nude pictures.”.

For instance, Ellie knew that what she was doing was wrong. The moment Josh asked her to participate in something not only illegal, but uncomfortable, she should have walked away. However, she had already fallen in love with him and allowed her feelings for him to cloud her judgement.

Not to mention, when she did want to refuse or leave, he threatened to expose her naked pictures to all her contacts and people at school. She was terrified and by then it was too late for her. In order for her to have made the right decisions she would have risked getting embarrassed. It did take her some time to eventually break it off with Josh and come forward to the police, but her bravery is what saved Rachel. Even so, she endured a long and difficult journey to relief.

My goal is to empower young women to leave unhealthy situations, even when their hearts tell them that they can't.. I also want to prepare them to know how to safely leave a bad relationship as well. Knowing when to leave is the first part of showing self-care. The next part is having the courage to walk away before the bond becomes too deep.

I won't tell you that it will be easy because it is not. You may try to imagine your life without him and literally get sick to your stomach. You may want to cry all night, and you may feel like you won't make it. You might even stop eating for a while as food will not seem appetizing. Thankfully, I can promise you that all of these symptoms of breaking up will pass.

Happily, the best part of a break-up is the opportunity to try again with another partner that is better suited for you.

Signs That Tell You When To Leave

Have you ever put a puzzle together? You pick up a piece that looks just like the one that you need. You believe this piece will fit because all of the ends seem like they will match.

However, once you start to put the pieces together, there is one end that just won't fit. You put that piece back and look for the piece of the puzzle that will actually fit. This analogy explains how it feels when you know that you should leave. You may want the relationship to work or last, but sometimes it just needs to end for no other reason that you are not a good fit for each other. Now imagine not changing that puzzle piece out that did not fit.

You will get two outcomes when the puzzle is finished. One piece will be damaged from you shoving the parts together that do not belong. The other outcome is there will be another part of the puzzle that is either missing or has a horrible fit as well. The puzzle will be incomplete and look a bit weird due to the damaged puzzle pieces. In the same since, you do not want a relationship that does not fit.

You may not look weird, but you will not feel the way that you should in a loving relationship. Mostly, you will be missing the mate that you are better suited.

Beyond the relationship not fitting, there are other less subtle signs that tell you when to exit the relationship. Of course we know that abuse should never be tolerated in a relationship, and we can assumed that we should leave any type of an abusive situation. But let's take a look at other signs you should leave your relationship.

Exit The Relationship When...

1. You are not happy with the person that you are with.

2. You feel restricted and smothered.

3. You do not feel respected, seen, or heard.

4. You are not emotionally supported.

5. Your needs are not being met.

6. Your values are not aligned.

8. You do not feel like you can trust your partner.

9. You feel you are working harder than your partner in the relationship.

11. You often envision a better life without him.

12. Your self-esteem seems to be disappearing.

13. You can no longer have effective communication.

14. You do not like who you are when you are with him.

15. You know you are only there because you don't want to be alone. Not wanting to be alone is not a good reason to stay in a relationship

How To Leave An Abusive Mate

The goal in leaving an abusive relationship is to leave safely. Often times, women are killed trying to escape their abusive partners. “Nearly half, 46 percent, of more than 4,400 women killed in the past decade died at the hands of an intimate partner.”. While it can be dangerous leaving an abusive partner there are steps to take to safely exit the relationship.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Safety Plan

1. Create a support system-Who will go with you and help you? Only discuss your plan with people you trust. You do not want your partner to know your plans. Sometimes you may need the authorities to assist you in your exit.

2. Decide where you will go-when you will leave, and how you will leave without being detected. Be sure your partner has no idea about your plans.

3. Plan your mode of transport-How will you get to your destination?

4. Have a stable financial plan-if you know that you will be exiting the relationship soon, you will need to save money either to have cash on hand or your own account so that you have enough for supplies and living expenses. You cannot be financially dependent on your partner if you are trying to exit the relationship. Determine how you will access your money if you have shared accounts.

5. Gather legal documents-You will need to have all important documents such as social security cards, birth certificates, passports, other legal records for everyone that will be leaving. You will not be able to go back and retrieve these documents. Once you have escaped, do not return!

6. Continue your protection-Always check your surroundings and change your routines. Just because you escaped, it does not mean he will leave you alone. Get the authorities involved if you feel unsafe.

7. Change all passwords-The last thing that you want is for your ex-partner to hurt you by destroying your life through social media, stealing from bank accounts, or causing other on-line issues.

8. Find a check-in buddy-Find someone who you can trust and give them important phone numbers or information that can help you in a crisis.

Never tell your partner that you are going to leave him. Make him believe that everything is fine as you are planning your escape. The day you plan to leave has to be swift and unsuspected.

It is a good idea to leave when he will be out of town or away from the house for a long period of time. Do not try to take everything with you. Take only the essentials and move quickly. Only share your whereabouts with a limited number of trusted people to keep your location safe from him. Trusting the wrong person with this vital information could cost you your life. So, be careful, the less people you tell, the safer you are.

Life After You Leave A bad Relationship

Once you have escaped your abusive ex-partner, you can start to breathe again. Celebrate yourself for getting out of an abusive relationship and showing self-care and self-love. Healing is your next step in this process.

Life after you leave a bad relationship is similar to eating something with a bad after taste, it lingers. You will need to figure out how to get that taste out of your mouth. In other words, you need to figure out how you ended up in an abusive relationship. You were not only the victim of abusive, but you were also the target.

Abusive men gravitate towards women they can abuse. Understand what made you so vulnerable or the perfect target? Only then can you heal and move on to healthier relationships.

Without healing and making some changes, you will end up in a similar relationship.

Do you remember the game that you played as a child? It was called the blob. One person would be 'it' and chase everyone else. Whoever he tagged became part of the blob and every time the blob tagged someone, they would have to join the group, and it would grow.

Think of abusive relationships as the blob. It is responsible for so many deaths and destroying many lives. Once it attaches itself to you, you become part of the blob, and you cannot escape.

I want you to identify who 'it' is in your life and take yourself out of the game. Don't just run away from the blob, don't even sign up to play. Subsequently, in order to take yourself out of the game, you will need a different set of rules. Therapy is a great way to define your new set of rules. The biggest question your therapist can help you answer is why you choose the men that you do. Your therapist can also help you find ways to establish healthy relationships as well.

Additionally, when to stay in a relationship, is pretty easy to determine. You stay when you feel loved, respected, safe, seen, heard, and all those boxes have been checked. You stay when your world is brighter with him in it. You want to hear about his day and lift him up. You pray for him because you care for him. You imagine a future with him and your children that look just like him.

You stay when he prays for you, shares your vision, and pushes you to be a better person. You stay because when you hear his name, his voice, or smell his scent you smile. These are all great reasons to stay and reasons to build onto the relationship.

The hard part is when you reminisce about the 'good times', you long for those days and are hopeful that they will return. This is what keeps you in the relationship, chasing a past memory that may never return. Eventually, your smile will turn into a frown when you hear his name, his voice, or at his familiar scent.

Every couple has disagreements, but if you are feeling more dread than happiness around him, then it is time to exit the relationship. Choosing yourself and your peace is more important than being in a relationship. Understand that leaving is not failure, but self-love. Believing that you deserve a love that is constant and safe is a demonstration of self-worth.

Chapter Five Challenge

Sometimes we get into relationships and stay for all the wrong reasons. We may have friends or family members who are in bad relationships as well. They may make excuses for their partners and give reasons they should stay. While loving him is important, it is not enough.

Maybe you just want to do a healthy relationship check-up. If you have not started dating skip this challenge and use it when you are in a relationship.

Challenge A: Look at the list below. Underline or highlight all the sentences that describe how you feel in your relationship. How many did you identify? What are your next steps?

1. You are not happy with the person that you are with.

2. You feel restricted and smothered.

3. You do not feel respected, seen, or heard.

4. You are not emotionally supported.

5. Your needs are not being met.

6. Your values are not aligned.

8. You do not feel like you can trust your partner.

9. You feel you are working harder than your partner in the relationship.

11. You often envision a better life without him.

12. Your self-esteem seems to be disappearing.

13. You can no longer have effective communication.

14. You do not like who you are when you are with him.

Challenge B: Take some time to reflect on what you have highlighted in challenge

A. How are you feeling about the traits you highlighted? Were you surprised by any of the traits that you highlighted?

A Chinese text

Chapter Five Takeaway

Chapter Six

Deciding on Intimacy In My Relationship

Determining the level of intimacy in your relationship requires careful consideration. Ultimately, the decision is yours, but a healthy partnership involves two people. Therefore, it is a conversation that you must have together.

Both partners should share the same expectations to ensure that you are both on the same page. In addition to deciding on the level of intimacy, it is helpful to have a clear picture of the trajectory of the relationship. While you cannot predict how fast you will connect with your partner, you can enter the relationship with a clear set of standards. In other words, you need to approach the relationship with an idea of what you want.

Consider your expectations for the first date, how much time you wish to spend together, and whether the relationship will become physical. Although these topics can be hard to discuss with your partner, they are an important part of a new relationship. So let's talk more about each one of these topics.

First Date Expectations

The famous question that you may hear often is whether or not you should kiss on the first date. There is no right answer to this question. What feels right to you is the answer.

Furthermore, it is helpful to know your own standards before you start dating to answer this question. Think about what you want and how far you want to take things. As you are thinking about what you want your first date to look like, consider your religious beliefs for guidance. You must set this boundary early in the relationship so that there are no surprises later.

Quality Time

Quality time is important and supports building connections in a relationship. As you are starting to date, discuss what quality time looks like, and the amount of time spent together that is appropriate for each of you. Often, couples can have different expectations on the amount of time that should be spent together. Some may want to spend every chance they get with each other, while others may need less time together and more time apart. Neither preference is right or wrong, it all depends on the person and the relationship.

However, you need to understand your comfort level with spending time with your partner. If you feel like your partner is asking for an unhealthy amount of time with you, speak up. He deserves to know that you prefer to spend less time together. Even if it is a hard conversation to have, it is important to be honest and clear about what you want.

A loving partner will understand. Together you can decide on the acceptable amount of time spent together. In some cases, if there is a vast difference in preference on the level of time spent together, that is an indication that the relationship is not a good fit.

The Physical Component

You may get pressured into being physical with your partner. This is your choice; you do not have to be physical in a relationship if you do not want to be. Many people think that just because you are dating it has to be a sexual relationship. This is not true.

The Christian viewpoint suggests waiting for marriage. The worldview suggests waiting until you feel comfortable. The Media suggests you are behind if you wait for marriage. While I share the Christian view, I am sure that it is not enough to convince you to wait. Waiting empowers you to focus on each other before you focus on the physical part of the relationship. Though I am not here to persuade you to wait for marriage, I would like to give you several reasons why it is a good idea. If you are a teenager and just starting to date, I would have a conversation with your parents or a trusted adult before getting into an intimate relationship.

Do not be so quick to jump into a physical relationship with your partner. Spending time and building a relationship is more important. Jumping into the physical part of the relationship too soon could jeopardize the stability of the relationship.

It is important to establish a connection first. Give yourself time to make sure that your partner wants to be with you and not just to be physically intimate. Moreover, it is important to discuss your physical boundaries before you move too far into your relationship.

Cultural expectations should not play a role in your decision regarding physical intimacy. In other words, the “three-date rule,” does not apply to you. Pacing in a relationship should be determined by your readiness and your own values. Define your comfort levels for intimacy, prioritizing your self-worth and boundaries.

As you are communicating with your partner, be clear and concise to ensure that your expectations are aligned. Progressing too fast in your relationship might hinder your ability to think rationally, make good choices, and cause you to ignore red flags. Keep a clear head in the relationship so that you feel valued and respected for who you are.

Reasons To Wait To Be Physically Intimate With My Partner

• You can develop a stronger relationship.

• You will weed out those who just want the physical attention.

You will be empowered to get the relationship that you want.

• You will honor your religious beliefs.

You will boost your self-worth.

• You will not have to worry about unwanted pregnancies.

• You will be able to communicate better with your partner.

You will be able to focus on the non-physical aspects of the relationships

You will reduce your risk of transmitting or spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

Amazingly, taking time to learn and understand your partner before becoming intimate has great benefits. In a relationship where the decision is not mutual and you are pressured into becoming intimate, be sure to speak up and stand your ground. Reflect on your boundaries and your relationship pacing standards.

Be sure that you remind your partner of those standards as well. If he is unwilling to respect those boundaries, then you should exit the relationship. However, if you decide to give in to his request, you may have a period of regret later. So, do yourself a favor and be prepared to set the boundary and hold him to it.

Chapter Six Challenge

What about you? Do you think kissing on the first date is okay? What are your standards for dating?

Challenge A: Write down a list of your standards for dating. What do you want?

Standard 1: _ _

Standard 2: _ _

Standard 3: _ _

Standard 4: _ _

Standard 5: _ _

Standard 6: _ _ Challenge B: Highlight or underline the most important reasons to wait to have a physical relationship with your partner.

Reasons To Wait To Be Physically Intimate With My Partner

• You can develop a stronger relationship.

• You will weed out those who just want the physical attention.

You will be empowered to get the relationship that you want.

• You will honor your religious beliefs.

You will boost your self-worth.

• You will not have to worry about unwanted pregnancies.

• You will be able to communicate better with your partner.

You will be able to focus on the non-physical aspects of the relationships

You will reduce your risk of transmitting or spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

Chapter Six Takeaway

Chapter Seven Chapter Seven

To Be Or Not to Be a 'Side Piece'?

Whether you should be a 'side piece' or not is not a question. Just kidding, I know that this is a real issue for some of us. But before you start to date just know that there is no room for being someone's 'side piece' in self- love or self-care. Do you even know what that term means? Originally, side pieces were called mistresses, which was someone who was dating or having sexual relations with someone who was already married. Throughout the years the term went from mistress to side chick, on the side, and a piece of..., well you know what goes in that blank. Is it okay to just be described as someone who is mainly used for sexual favors?

I have been real with you throughout this entire book, and I will not stop now. I am concerned about how this whole idea of cheating became so popular that it now has the term, 'side piece.' According to the media, cheating is basically expected in relationships. When I was a kid, the biggest scandal in a movie was an extra marital affair, which was actually shocking to the viewer, and revealing the affair was the climax of the movie. Now, movies portray affairs as an everyday occurrence and even as something that is normal and glamorous. But when did it become normal or glamorous to cheat on your partner? Conversely, cheating will never be normal. In fact, someone who is cheating on their partner is also being dishonest. Just as deception is seen as toxic behavior, so is cheating. Additionally, dating someone who is already in a relationship or married limits your relationship and your happiness.

It is worth asking ourselves why anyone would ever settle for being the substitute when we deserve to be the priority. “I know that the numbers are rising with the women who are willing to be side pieces because they had such traumatic relationships in the past that this is safer for them” (Collado, M.A, M.F.T). Collado further explains that part of the reason women choose to get involved with a married man or someone already in a relationship is the fear of intimacy. She also states that It is easier to be with someone where they don't have to be emotionally close to them. And by them being in that secondary relationship, they are still getting a pseudo relationship, the sexual part of it, and the attention, but they do not have to do the emotional work.

As you begin dating, promise yourself that you will never accept being the second choice. You are worth more than that. And if you are not yet convinced, consider the many reasons you should not be someone's' side piece.' While these relationships may start off fun and exciting, you will eventually find yourself wanting more. Furthermore, how will you maintain a healthy self-esteem as someone's secret? You will get her leftovers, have limited emotional support, a limit on the depth of your relationship, and a lack of security. If you feel like being a 'side piece' is okay, then think about why you feel like you don't want or deserve something more. Unhealthy people cheat and cannot have healthy relationships with multiple people at the same time. Let's dig a little deeper into why it is not a good idea to date a married or taken man.

Why Dating a Married Man is Not a Good Idea Being a secret may sound a little seductive, but that goes right along with the idea that the media makes affairs seem normal, exciting, and okay. Additionally, being a secret has detrimental effects to your self-esteem. Think about it, you will not be able to go out to certain places in fear of being seen by his partner.

If you tell your family about him and they know he is already taken, they will lose respect for you and possibly refuse to engage with the two of you. You would be putting them in a difficult situation as well, asking them to keep your secret. That is not okay. Being a secret means you would be living a fake life in someone else's shadow, while his real partner gets to flaunt him, create a home, family memories, and spend intimate evenings with him.

We are not secrets, we are the prizes, the golden medals, and the icing on the cake. These terms are self-esteem boosters but cannot be associated with someone who is being kept secret. Therefore, it should be your mission to be the prize; it is impossible to be both.

Do You Want Leftovers?

Okay, who does not love leftovers? There is no preparation, less clean up, and if you are a good cook another chance to eat something delicious. Do you want to know something about leftovers, though?

They have less nutrition than the first time that you prepared it. Every time you reheat food, it loses nutrients. Also, sometimes when leftovers are warmed, they dry out. So if you are choosing to have some one's leftovers, you will never get the authentic relationship.

You will never get what the wife gets. You will be his second choice no matter what lies he is telling you. At the end of the day, he will always choose his wife or partner because they have an established life already.

Think about this, where do you think he will spend birthdays, holidays, and special moments? You got it right, with her, his established partner. You will only be important to him when he can get away, not when you may actually need him.

You know those commercials that show a snowy Christmas eve where a couple is sitting next to a fire, and the kids are sitting on the floor putting a puzzle together. In the background there is a Christmas tree, and the couple have a cup of hot chocolate that they are sipping. You get this feeling of cozy, secure, and comfort.

Well, you will not experience this if you are the sidepiece because he will be experiencing this with his wife or partner. Meanwhile, you will be explaining to everyone why your boyfriend couldn't make it to your event. Please do not sign up for this life. I will keep saying it, you are worth more than that.

You deserve to be with someone who is available to meet your needs, and to help create your own memories.

Lack of Emotional Support

Part of a healthy relationship is having emotional support from your partner. How can you be happy and have emotional support when you need it if you are part of a gap in someone's life? You must demand to be each other's priority in your relationship.

This is impossible for you to be his priority because his loyalty is with his family or the person he is already dating. Additionally, trusting your partner is important and can greatly impact your relationship if there is a lack of trust. How can you trust a man who is cheating on his girlfriend or wife? You can't because if he cheats on his partner now, he will cheat on you later. You will not be the exception.

Also, what else would he be dishonest about? I am sure that you have heard all of the excuses men give when they cheat from either a friend, personal experience, a parent, or family member. They are all excuses, please do not be fooled. Just in case you are skeptical, here is a list of excuses that cheating husbands might make. Just know, it does not matter what excuse he gives you. The fact of the matter is, he is married and is off limits to you. Even if he is separated, he is off limits to you until his divorce is final. If you are dating someone who is separated, you are not the priority, she still is until the divorce papers are signed. Lastly, work wives, flirting, “just talking,” buying gifts, calling him after work hours, having lunch together, sharing intimate conversations, asking for favors, confiding in him, and constant compliments or touching is crossing boundaries that could lead to cheating. Once those boundaries are crossed, you will want to claim that 'it just happened', when all along you were pushing boundaries that allowed 'it to happen'. Do not put yourself in the position of helping a cheater cheat.

Excuses From Cheaters

1. My wife and I are getting a divorce. We have been over for a while.

2. I am not in love with my wife anymore, we are only together for financial purposes.

3. We no longer sleep together and live separate lives.

4. I am only here for the kids.

5. I will get a divorce when my kids graduate.

6. We both are seeing other people.

7. She does not want to be with me anymore. She is mean and abusive to me. We barely talk anymore.

8. We live together, but I stay in the basement. She works at night and I work during the day.

9. We have an arrangement.

10. The divorce will be final soon, but her lawyer is prolonging the process.

11. I will leave my wife for you. You are so much better than she is. I just feel a connection that I never had with her. I just need some time.

12. My wife is dying and I need someone to talk to.

13. I was thinking about leaving my wife, but she just lost her mom, and I don't want to do that to her right now.

14. If I leave my wife now, she will take everything that I have. It will take some time to move some stuff around first.

15. Our son is going through some things at school. Right now is not the time to leave my wife. We need to get him through this first.

Limited Relationship Growth

Have you thought about your future and what it might look like? Were you married with children or were you a power couple that traveled and engaged in the community? I am guessing you were not envisioning yourself ducking, hiding, or waiting around for your turn to see your partner.

Well, being someone's sidepiece means that you will not get your wedding day with this guy. You will not have that traveling partner or the children that you planned. In other words, 'side pieces' do not get families or partners. They may end up with a child or two to raise on their own, but no family. Besides, relationships move in stages, and you will remain at stage one as a sidepiece. More simply, he is never going to give you a key to his place, you will never buy your first home together, and he will not be able to support you at important events unless he can get away from his wife.

It is not worth it to make the effort to cultivate a fake relationship. Eventually his wife will find out, and the secondary relationship will end as a married man will almost never leave his wife. "I find people in these relationships for fifteen years.

They call them situationships and eventually they end. Usually what happens is they find out that the husband will never leave his wife. Either the husband will end the relationship, or the mistress will end it. But if she is not healed she will definitely find herself in another situationship" (Collado, M.A, M.F.T).

Lack of Security

Do you know the feeling you get when it feels like you are about to lose something important like a job or a loved one? What about the feeling of getting caught whether you are sneaking a special gift under your mom's pillow or sneaking an extra cookie? This is the continual feeling that you will have if you choose to be a 'side piece.' You will not be secure in your relationship because he was never your partner in the first place.

At any moment it could all be over. Do not stress yourself out like that. Know your worth! You are special and deserve to be treated as such. Do you want to know how I know and I have never met you?

Because God made you perfect when he created you. He never intended for someone to misuse, cheat, or hurt you. He never intended for you to settle for less either.

I want you to be happy, secure in your relationship, safe, seen, heard, loved, understood, supported, and made to feel like the prize that you are. Unfortunately, dating a single guy does not automatically guarantee you all of these things either, but being a sidepiece totally eliminates your chances.

Consequently, when you choose to date someone who is already in a relationship, you are also choosing to hurt another person. While you cannot stop him from cheating on his partner, it does not have to be with you. Since we know that we cannot change other's behaviors, we must focus on our own. Choose not to be a 'side piece' and show self-love to yourself.

Chapter Seven Challenge

You just read my list of reasons not to date a married man or a man already in a relationship. What are your reasons?

Challenge A: Make a list of your own reasons why you would not date someone already in a relationship.

Table summary: The table provides a numbered list intended to outline the reasons for avoiding dating individuals who are already in a relationship, though the specific reasons are left blank.

Challenge B: Read the pledge and then take the pledge by signing your name below.

Self-love, Self-worth, Self-confidence Pledge

I pledge to never get involved with someone who is already dating or married.

I love and respect myself too much to settle for second best. I will not participate in the breakup of someone else's marriage. I am worth more than a fling and deserve to be someone's first choice. I pledge to honor my integrity and to protect my future, my peace of mind, and practice self-love.

Your name _ _

Chapter Seven Takeaway

Chapter Eight Real Women, Real Stories

Do you want to know the best thing about having older sisters? You get to learn from all their mistakes. Well consider all women in the world your sisters. We share a common species that we would like to conquer or at least better understand, men. We can learn great strategies on how to have healthy relationships from our mothers, aunts, sisters, friends, and each other. In this chapter, you will learn from real women with real stories. I want to not only tell you, but to show you how to avoid the trap of a bad relationship.

Read the stories of Tawana Willis and Naveah Cheetham as they share their accounts of being involved with a married man and a bad relationship. Tawana Willis is 50 years old, married with four children, two grandsons, and a granddaughter on the way. Naveah Cheetham is in her mid-forties and is now married with children. Some information is left out to protect the integrity of the interviewees. I never expected for the interviews to align so well with the entire book. I was pleasantly surprised and loved the fact that they were both eager to share their stories.

Jenita Bonisa

Audio by Paper2Audio.

Taking The Long Way Home A Short Story

I opened the front door and yelled out to my children. “Dinner is ready, guys, let's eat.”

“I wanna eat too,” the man across the street said, looking in my direction.

“Who is this cat?” I wondered. I wasn't sure if I had seen him before today, but I looked in his direction and noticed that he was tall, dark, and kind of handsome. There was a little girl standing next to him. Was I really hitting the grind so hard that I barely noticed my neighbor? Although, it didn't really matter how good he looked, because I wasn't interested in a man right now. I was too busy focusing on my children and getting through school. I was so proud of myself for going back to school and working on my engineering degree.

I was loving it, and I was good at it too. After having other relationships that ended with four children with four different fathers, I really just wanted to get my degree and provide for my children. I wanted to give them the life that I didn't have and give them a mom they could be proud of. So, yes, I was done with men who would not stick around and who could not be who I needed them to be. I smiled and gave him a polite nod so that I didn't seem rude. I turned and walked back into my home and ate dinner with my children.

Of course, the story did not end there. My neighbor was very persistent and found ways to inch his way into our lives. Men know exactly how to get to a woman, and he knew exactly what would get my attention. All of a sudden, he was fixing my car, helping me with my kids' cars, fixing things around the house, and before you know it, we were an item, and I was meeting his family.

Because I had been burned so many times in past relationships, I kept reminding myself to look for the red flags. At this point, I had been going to therapy and learning how to seek healthy relationships. I also loved watching Lifetime. It might sound a little cheesy, but I learned a lot about how to spot a cheater through those ripped-from-the-headline shows.

One night, I needed to put those skills to the test. I rolled over and looked at the clock, and it was 2 AM. This was the perfect time to call him. If he had a wife, he wouldn't answer the phone, right? Or maybe she would answer the phone, and this would all be over.

“Hello,” he answered with a deep, raspy voice.

I could hear him moving around in his bed. I waited to hear another voice beside him asking who he was talking to but heard nothing. I was so surprised when he answered the phone.

What was I supposed to say now? What possible reason would I have to be calling him this early in the morning?

“Hi, I just needed to hear your voice. Did I wake you?”

“Yes, are you okay?”

“Yes, I'm fine. Okay, well, I'll let you go. Go back to sleep.” I got off the phone feeling a bit weird, but at the same time, I felt relief. If he were married, then his ruse would have been up tonight. But it looked like I was still in the game. One test down and a few more to go.

I continued to run my red flag tests on him to make sure that I was not getting duped and that I could trust the relationship. I made sure that I looked at his ring finger for a tan line where the missing ring would be. He did not have a tan line, check. Every time I was able to check off a test that he passed, I got happier and happier because the truth of the matter was, I was actually falling in love with him. However, I was still hesitant to beleive that the relationship was something that I could trust. When he introduced me to his family, I thought for sure this was it. I mean, why would family members stand by and hang out with the other woman? So, I allowed myself to love this man and to go all in with him. I gave him my heart, and I was hooked. Months later,

I found out the whole truth.

Even after the tests and red flags that I looked for, I missed a big one. However, I did not totally miss it. I knew there was something fishy about having issues with meeting his younger son. I had already met his niece, mom, dad, sister, and older son.

Every time we would plan for me to meet him, something would come up. At this point in the relationship, the concern of not meeting his younger son had downgraded to just a thought in the back of my mind. In hindsight, this is where I started to ignore my intuition and enjoy my relationship. Another red flag that I ignored was the fact that he never stayed the night. It was easy for me to ignore this red flag, because I didn't want him to spend the night either. I did not want to confuse my children and make things complicated.

So, I was okay with that arrangement. But again, in retrospect, I wished I had questioned why he never spent the night.

Even though there was always something uneasy about our relationship, I did not truly suspect anything until one day we were at the post office.

Hi, yes, I need to pick up a package," he said as I stood next to him.

“What is the phone number registered to the package?” the clerk asked, never looking up.

At this point, he spat out his number and waited for her response.

“I am sorry, is there another number that I can use. We don't have a package under that number.”

He quickly spat out another number.

“Uh, can you say that again, slower? I didn't get that.”

He repeated the number, and something told me to also make note of the number he was giving her as well. I wondered why he had two numbers. This red flag I could not ignore. Sure enough, when I was alone, I dialed the number.

“Hello,” a woman's voice answered.

I was shocked, but I knew that I needed to answer her. "Yes, I am looking for Ricky."

“Uh, do you mean Rick, my husband?”

Her husband, oh man. There was nothing but silence. It was my turn to speak, but the words were lost. My heart was somewhere in my stomach, but I am sure even the walls could hear it beating. I closed my eyes and mustered up the courage to do the right thing.

Slowly I released my response. "Hi, I am Tawana. I have been seeing Ricky, Rick, for a while now. I am sorry, I had no idea that he was married. I looked for all the signs, and I was still tricked. I am not the type to date a married man, and I truly am sorry."

“I will take care of it. Thank you for letting me know.”

We ended the call, and it felt like the world that I was living in had just turned upside down. Turns out she was the mother of the younger son, which is why I never met him. He worked during the day and she worked at night. This is how he was able to confidently answer the phone so early in the morning.

Part of me was disappointed in myself for falling for his tactics, while the other part of me was proud of myself for never stopping until I found out the truth. I really needed to show grace to myself because he was good at being a cheater. The worst part of this revelation was, I didn't know what to do with my feelings. I couldn't just turn them off like a faucet. I was still in love with him.

Okay, so I lied; the worst part of this whole mess was that men know your vulnerabilities, and bad men use those vulnerabilities to manipulate you. Ricky knew that I was still in love with him. He used that to keep trying to come around and be with me. I can admit that I was not strong enough to end the relationship right away, but I knew that it was something that I needed to do. It was hard living with the guilt of being with a married man. It was probably one of the hardest things that I had to do, but eventually I decided to break things off with him. I had to set an example for my daughter. I also needed to send a message to my sons that this was no way to treat a lady.

Ricky, did not take me leaving him so well. He kept coming around and trying to be with me. I knew that I had to take drastic measures in order for things to change. Thank God for Facebook; this was the only way that I could think of to get him to leave me alone. I set up a fake Facebook account, found his wife, befriended her, and later exposed his behavior. I included all the evidence that I could think of, including pictures. Thankfully, It worked! He finally stopped coming around.

I was able to move on with my life. I graduated with an engineering degree, and I landed a great job. I was also able to buy my first house. A few years later, I married a great guy where I continued to use my skills from therapy to cultivate a healthy relationship.

It took some time for my life to come together the way that I wanted, but sometimes it is okay to take the long way home. Even though I learned valuable lessons along the way, you can learn from my mistakes. You might even make some of your own. But for me, I can honestly say that I have arrived, I am finally home.

Once the interview was over, I asked Tawana if she had anything further that she wanted to add. This is what she had to say.

“I want young people to understand how much therapy helped me to understand why I was doing and feeling what I was feeling. They have to know their why. I wish I could tell them their why because if you don't know why you are in therapy, it will not be helpful.”

I Am Worth More Than My Fear A Short Story

Nevaeh Cheetham

I looked around my new apartment and took in a deep breath. This was my first apartment without having a roommate. It was all mine and I was excited. I could now leave a cup on the counter, and it would be there until I moved it. I didn't have to clean up after anyone but myself.

I was thrilled to decorate the way that I wanted and to watch what I wanted on television when I wanted. But to be honest, I was a little nervous about being here all alone especially when the sun went down. So, I told myself that it would be okay and that this was a good thing.

Then, I remembered why I was here, why I no longer had a roommate. It took some time, but the leasing agent must have felt sorry for me for letting me out of my previous lease. Initially, she said that she could not let me out of it. I walked away that day feeling defeated. But something in me told me to go back and explain why I so desperately needed to break my lease with my roommate and put the lease in his name.

“I am sorry Nevaeh; I cannot allow you to put the lease only in his name. You both signed the lease.”

I was determined to get her to do this one favor for me, so I swallowed my pride and released the tears that I was holding back. “I understand your policy Mame. But I need this, you see my boyfriend, my roommate, he cheated on me. I can no longer stay with him and he refuses to leave. We only have six months left on our lease. Please help me.”

She must have pitied me or my tears got to her because later that day, I got a letter from the leasing office stating that my name was no longer on the lease. I don't normally like others to pity me, but in this case I took it.

A week later I literally had a new lease on an apartment and a new lease on life. I was in the middle of my last year in college and couldn't wait until graduation. Truthfully, I was so disappointed in myself for getting involved with someone that treated me horribly. He constantly made fun of me, was really mean to me, and in the end he totally ignored me. I always had thoughts of leaving him, but we had already moved in together and financially it did not make sense. I was miserable and every day felt like it was the day that I would leave him.

Additionally, my boyfriend always found ways to make me feel like I was worthless even though I was the one in college and he could barely help with paying the bills. He was always low on cash, and I would pay for a lot more than he would. Specifically, I can remember a time when we ordered Chinese take-out for dinner. I brought back the meal and started taking out the contents. I was excited to dig into our meal for the night and maybe watch television while we ate.

“What is this?” he said looking at me holding a box of noodles.

I noticed that look in his eyes and instantly was concerned.

“What do you mean? It's what we ordered,” I said digging through the bag for the receipt.

“I ordered something completely different. You can't even do this right.”

I looked confused as I scanned the receipt, “Shoot he was right; they forgot a part of his order. “Okay fine let's give them a c...”

I was going to say call, but before I could finish my sentence, he dumped all the food out of their containers and onto the counter. Then he smeared the mixture of noodles, chicken wings, fried rice, and Chow Mein all over the counter. Food was spilling onto the floor and dinner was completely ruined. I felt tears in my eyes, especially since I was the one who paid for dinner. Mostly I was furious that he would behave like a child. I walked away from him and told him he needed to clean up the mess.

Just then, a family of three walked past my back patio door, which brought me back to admiring my new place. I watched them through the blinds and admired their closeness. I sat down on the couch but realized I needed something from the car before I settled in for the day.

I headed towards the front doors of the apartment building and located my car, which was parked pretty close to the front doors. Just before I made it to the driver side door I froze. I noticed him right away driving through the parking lot as if he were looking for something. And he was, he was looking for me. My heart started pounding and I wasn't sure if I should run into my apartment or get into my car. If I ran into my apartment, then he would know where I lived, something I never wanted him to know. He wanted me back, but I made it clear that I didn't do cheaters. There was no room for forgiveness of cheaters in my heart.

It was too late; I no longer had time to decide. I closed my eyes and tried to catch my breath. If I were in a movie, this is where viewers would say, "Run, why is she just standing there?" It may have looked like I had time to run, but it did not feel like it. I just stood there and accepted my fate. Why am I so afraid? He has never physically hurt me? But he had threatened me and groomed me to believe that he was a murderer in his past and got away with it. I never found out the truth, but supposedly he was also in gangs and people were looking for him. All of his stories were playing on repeat in my head. And now, I stand here still in shock, remembering that day I left.

“Babe, what if I told you that I was sleeping with somebody else?” he said with a smile on his face. He was sitting at the kitchen bar looking directly at me.

“What? That is not funny,” “I am not lying. I am,” he said never taking his eyes off me.

It all made sense to me. I had all the signs right in front of me It crossed my mind many times before, but I was too afraid to address it. Then, we barely even spent time together. I wish I had not ignored the signs and addressed my concerns.

I looked at him, and in that moment, I walked away, grabbed some belongings, and walked out the door. He told me that I couldn't leave and no matter where I went, he would find me.

The screeching of the tires forced me to open my eyes. He parked his car right behind mine blocking me in. As I stood there, we locked eyes. He jumped out of the car, never taking his eyes off me as he walked towards me.

“I found you. You thought you could hide but I found you anyway,” he smiled like he had just cracked a difficult code.

Suddenly, I found the courage to try and escape him. I could feel my adrenaline getting me ready for action. If I jumped in the car and locked the doors, I would be safe. Maybe I could lay on the horn until someone came out of their apartment to help me. I really didn't know anyone because I was just moving in. Could I trust anyone around to help me? I reached for the handle of my car door and just as I opened it to jump in, he moved quickly towards me and kicked the door in. I jumped back in fear and observed the dent that was now a deep wound in my car.

"Where do you think you are going?" he yelled as he grabbed my arm.

I jumped back and yanked away from him. This scared me so badly that I could hardly breathe. How would I get out of this? I looked around again to see if anybody could help me. What was he going to do to me? And then as if the heavens opened up and threw a protective shield over me, he turned to get something out of his car. And without a second thought, I took my chances and ran into my apartment. I locked the door just in time as he was seconds behind me. Think of a horror movie and the victim is running from the villain, which is what it was like. My body was shaking all over and I didn't know what to do next.

“Ah, now I know where you live Nae,” I heard him say on the other side of the door.

I stood there as quietly as I could. My heart was beating so loud, I was worried he could hear it through the door. Just then, where I once heard him walking about outside my door, I could no longer hear anything, but silence. So, I looked through the peep hole to see if he had left.

To my horror he was staring right back at me with that stupid grin on his face. And without warning, the banging started.

“Open the door, Nae. Open the door now.”

The banging was so loud it felt like the walls would fall down. If I tilted my head exactly right, I could probably even see the walls shaking. Suddenly it stopped. I stood there as quietly as I could, wondering where he went. And as if the thought were planted in my head, I thought of the family that walked past my patio door minutes before.

The patio door: I need to get to the patio door. I ran and checked the lock. I closed the vertical blinds and reached for my phone. Sure enough within seconds he was banging on my patio doors. I dialed the police and waited for an answer.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Bang, bang, bang.

“Hello, I am Nevaeh Cheetham,” I said barely getting the words out. It felt like someone was squeezing my chest and I could neither breathe nor speak. “and my ex-boyfriend is trying to get into my apartment. He kicked in my car door. I ran into my apartment and now he is banging on my door. I'm really scared.”

Bang, bang, bang. “Open the door Nae, I just want to talk!”

"Are you safe? Is he inside the house?"

“Yes, I am safe, but he is outside my door trying to get in. I'm afraid he is going to hurt me!”

"Okay, try to stay calm. What is your address?"

I gave her my information, and she told me to make sure that I locked all the doors and close all the blinds. She also told me that she would stay on the line with me until the police showed up. She let me know that if I really wanted to do something about this, I needed to first press charges and then I needed to file a restraining order.

At last the banging stopped. He must have heard my phone call and left before the police officers showed up. I was so relieved when the banging stopped, and I knew that he was gone.

“I think he is gone,” I said looking through the peep hole again.

"Stay in the house until the police get to you. They should be there soon," she warned me. "Let them know that you want to press charges. When you do, you will need to prove that you were in danger."

"Okay, I think they are here. Thank you so much for helping me."

Eventually I went through the process and got the restraining order against him. I could not believe my life had amounted to going to court and reliving the horrible events of my relationship while he sat across from me. It was humiliating saying aloud to everyone in the courtroom the behaviors I accepted from him. This whole ordeal was a nightmare that ended with me having a restraining order against someone that I once loved.

How was this possible? It still took him a while to stop coming around, but eventually he acknowledged that the way he treated me was wrong and left me alone. Once I forgave myself for not speaking up and demanding respect from him, he became nothing more than a horrible memory.

I asked Navaeh what she would like to add to her story and she shared this final thought.

“I was so scared that I allowed my fear to make decisions for me. It took this relationship to help me to realize that I deserved better. Once you

realize your worth, you will seek those who are worth your time. Now I know that I am worth more than my fear."

Both of these stories are real eye openers. These are real women and their real stories. Both women are doing well and are thriving in their lives.

This is a testament that even if you get into a bad relationship, which I am trying to help you to avoid, there is a way out. Mostly, you will need to know your self-worth to motivate you to choose those people who genuinely love and care for you.

Let's revisit a conversation between Ryan and Rachel in What She Knew. In this conversation, Ryan just told her that he loved her. And in her confusion, this was her response:

“Ryan, it is going to take some time for me to forgive you. I have to forgive myself for getting involved with you. I will have to learn to trust myself to make good decisions again. I can't even trust myself to understand what love is. I thought I knew, but love does not leave me drugged and tied up to a bed. Love does not leave me to have to fight to get pictures destroyed that I never agreed to take. Love does not leave me out in a field, scared, tied up, and gagged for days. But silly me, I thought it was love, and for that I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.”

Rachel was in a bad relationship, but once she realized she wanted more for herself, she did not accept the fact that he said he loved her. Instead, she admitted that she did not have a good grasp on what love was before and it would take some time to really understand what love looked like. You too can learn from mistakes, yours, or others to get the relationship that you want and deserve.

Chapter Eight Challenge

What is your story? Is your story about your first love or about a bad break-up? Have you shared your story? Are you willing to share your story to help another woman who could benefit from hearing it.

Challenge: Share your story. Sharing will be both therapeutic as well as helpful to someone else. We must band together and help our young girls stay out of bad relationships.

Use the space available to write your story. Then share it with a friend.

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Title _ _ _ _

Chapter Eight Takeaway

What are your takeaways from this chapter? What are your final thoughts?

Record them in the box below.

Chapter Nine Real Advice From Women in Relationships

When I was a little girl and into adulthood, it seemed like I was always at someone's bridal shower. I was raised in church, so it was called a bridal shower and not a bachelorette party. There is a big difference between the two, let me tell you. Let's just say that there were no embarrassing garments or items being pulled out of packages that caused the bride to be to blush. No, everything was sensible and practical. And when that long silk robe was pulled out of the box and revealed, all the church ladies would ooh and ahh as if they were a chorus in a play. Eyebrows would be raised and laughter would spread throughout the room. Followed by the eye rolling from us young ones who knew why they were oohing and aahing. By the time everyone was fat and full of cake and treats, the maid of honor would bring out the box. We all know the box. It is the box of advice for the bride to be. All the married women, who were deemed experts at relationships, would write marital advice on a card and add it to the box. The maid of honor would then read all the advice to the bride to be. Women all over would chime in after each one, as they put their stamp of approval on the advice given. Those were the days.

As I got older, I started going to more bachelorette parties than bridal showers, and they were a little more exciting, for lack of a better word.

However, the one thing that remained constant was the advice. It may not have come from a box, but in some form there was marital advice at each party that I attended. As I think back on those parties, I appreciate all of the advice that I was forced to listen to as a child and as I got older. As a married woman of nineteen years, I really can appreciate the knowledge that married women shared with me. It seemed like at every party someone would always quote this saying, “All men are dogs, you just have to find the one that you are willing to deal with.” This statement is so general but jammed packed all at the same time.

I totally understand what those before me were trying to say, but out of all the advice that I received before I got married, I would have liked to have more specific advice to help me to navigate my own relationships. Even more so, I would have liked to have more advice before I even started dating.

There are so many different types of people with different morals and values. Therefore, it is imperative that we understand how to navigate relationships with people with different backgrounds, and levels of morality. In my world, low morals mean no date. But for others it may be, just show a little more patience and grace, which plays into the, you have to find the one you are willing to deal with portion of the saying mentioned earlier. I hope that you keep in mind as you are starting to date that relationships are hard to maintain, adding extra baggage such as low morals and values, unmanaged mental health issues, and abuse, makes it that much harder.

You do not want to sign up for the extra burden. So, when you are finding the one that you are willing to deal with, be sure that they are first, good for you and second, can have a healthy relationship with you.

Furthermore, I posed the question for anyone who was in a relationship, had been in a relationship, married, divorced, or widowed, what advice would you give to anyone who was ready to start dating. These are their answers. I have read all of them and would not change a single word in their advice. These are the words that I wish I had learned at those bridal showers and bachelorette parties before I started dating. I had to experience some things that I probably would not have if so. Though, I do appreciate my dating experiences and even the experiences that I have as a married woman. Many of those experiences prompted me to feel passionate about other females as they start to date. I know what is out there and the dangers in choosing the wrong person and so do all of these wonderful women who have responded.

As you are reading their advice, my wish for you is to allow their words to permeate into your mind and leave an imprint on your heart so that you can use these golden nuggets to guide you through your dating experience. If it seems like we are preparing you for a battle, we are. This is a battle between your happiness and sanity and a life of misery and pain. Though, no one can protect you from life and everything that goes along with it, we can prepare you to be the best at choosing a partner that is for you.

I recently heard the song, How was I supposed to know, by Xania Monet on TikTok. This song spoke volumes to me, not because my dad was a horrible man and didn't prepare me for dating. No, my dad did what he could; he was in my life, and we had the relationship that we had. He also taught me more about relationships and love than I thought. Furthermore, this song spoke volumes to me because it made it real. It assimilated the struggle of finding a healthy partner and finding love, to a battle. Even though there was talk about this song being Al, the lyrics were what spoke to me. How many women do you think could identify with those lyrics? Just in case you have not heard the song, the point of the song is to explain that she didn't know what to expect in a healthy relationship because her dad never showed her what a healthy relationship looked like in the everyday things that dads should do. He didn't open doors for her or take her out on dates. And one of the best lines in the entire song is, “How was I supposed to set the bar, when I ain't never seen no man fight for my heart.”

While you may have the best dad on earth and feel like you are prepared to start finding a mate, you also need to prepare yourself of potential stale mates that you could end up with. Setting a bar for yourself or setting boundaries will be your first line of defense. Know what you want and make sure that you get it. So here is the wonderful advice from women who will help you to better prepare yourself for healthy relationships. You may not be a bride to be, but this is my rendition of that oh so faithful advice box at bridal showers.

What advice would you give your daughter before she starts to date?

- There is no amount of changing or improving yourself that will “fix” them.

-Barbara Stotts Hughes

- I would definitely explain to her what it means to love yourself and what it looks like.

-Tawana Willis

- Are they respectful? How do they treat females?

-Penny Stewart

- When you feel something is off believe it. You can't change the person, but the person will change you! Love doesn't hurt; it is patient. But lust is a drug that can destroy.

-LeAna Elliott

Being nice to them won't make them stop being mean. They chose to be mean for a reason you can't fix.

-Teyiona Clark

Are you okay with your future child having their characteristics?

-Adora Mimms

Pay attention to your projections of him. He may have given you a candy bar, but it doesn't mean he is a good candidate for a partner.

-Jennie Collado

Know who you are, love who you are, and be confident in yourself. Your partner should be your best friend. They should be respectful, easy to talk to and kind. Don't accept anything else.

Get someone who is your equal, and when they show you who they are, believe them. Communication is the best way to keep problems small.

-Easter A Mimms

Know and love yourself first, so that you're not searching for that thing within someone else. That is the largest opportunity for disappointment and heartbreak. Establish, vocalize, and prioritize your boundaries in the beginning. And finally, it's okay to love hard, but it shouldn't hurt.

The only thing I would say is, make sure that you are comfortable with yourself before getting into a relationship of any kind because if you're not, it can cause you to form into what they want you to be and cause manipulation and insecurities.

-Ronnisha Journey

The advice I would give is date with intention (whatever that looks like for you). It could be dating to marry or to have fun. Dating with intention is also knowing yourself. Be open to receiving masculine energy by being feminine.

-LaTonya Adams

Don't wait for someone else to tell you who you are. Know your worth!

-Jenita Bonisa

Chapter Nine Challenge

I don't know about you but hearing the advice from other women makes me feel like we are on the same team. What advice do you have to share about relationships? If you have not started dating yet, skip this challenge until after you start to date.

Challenge: Write down advice you could share with other women. If you have someone in mind to share your advice, please do. We are on the same side, and we need to stand up and help each other.

My Advice:

_ _

Chapter Nine Takeaway

Chapter Ten Final Words To My Fellow Sisters

So, what does my daughter need to know before she dates? Our daughters need to know that they are worthy of love. We are a sisterhood and we need to band together to save and protect each other. We are not each other's enemy, nor are we in competition with each other. You want to know why this topic is so relevant right now? Because right now some woman somewhere is being abused or taken advantage of. Somebody's teenage daughter is being brainwashed into running away from home. Somebody's sister is being forced to function as her husband's slave because she thinks she is being a good wife. Somewhere, a niece is being isolated from her family because her narcissist boyfriend convinced her that they were hurting her. This needs to stop. We do not need another Lifetime movie portraying another based on a true story event of women in abusive situations. We need to rise up and learn to seek healthy relationships and run from everything else. The more aware that we are of bad situations, the more we will be able to circumvent negative outcomes of those unhealthy relationships.

Overall, save yourself the hardship of a bad relationship. Although you will need to make your own mistakes and create your own experiences, I want those experiences to lift you up, not break you down as it will take that much longer to get back to where you should be. We are strong and are the backbones to our families, which is why I want us to be emotionally healthy, wise, and ready to take on not only the world, but our partners as well. It is time for us to create those wish lists for the type of mates we desire, make sure that they are healthy, set those boundaries to teach them how to treat us, resolve conflicts peacefully, effectively communicate so that you can have a healthy relationship, know when to leave, know what kind of relationship that you want, be safe, pledge not to date married men, and have the best relationship that you deserve.

You must remember that most women end up in bad relationships because they do not believe that they deserve it. Love, no one deserves to be in an unhealthy relationship where they are not respected, seen, or heard. No one, no matter what they have done, deserves any type of abuse. We are jewels and deserve the absolute best. Therefore, be sure that you are healthy and are ready to receive your partner. You will not end up with someone who is healthy if you are not healthy yourself. Healthy people are smart enough to detect toxic people and love themselves too much to stay in that type of relationship. So, get ready to love yourself and do the work that it takes to be healthy. No matter what, whatever stage of life that you are in, do not wait to be happy. Enjoy every stage of your life, even if it means learning from your mistakes and starting over.

Finally, I leave you this book as a roadmap to a healthy relationship. Share this with your daughters, share it with your friends, share it with women all over so that they too can be prepared to enter into healthy relationships. Even if you know someone in an unhealthy relationship, use this book as a helpful resource to help them to get the love and relationship that they want. Good luck and enjoy your life.

Chapter Ten Challenge

What are your takeaways from this book?

Challenge: If you were to share your thoughts on this book with anyone else, what would you say? Get prepared and write your thoughts here.

A

Domestic Violence Resources

National Human Trafficking Hotline

If you suspect human trafficking, don't hesitate to act. Call 911 immediately to report it and provide as much detail as possible. You can also reach out to the

National Human Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373-7888 or text BeFree to

233733.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

(U.S.A): Call: 800-729-7233

Text: "Start" to 88788

Note: If you are worried about someone monitoring your computer or phone, please use a "Private" or "incognito" window to search for resources.

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About The Author

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