I glance up from this blank page and rea...

I glance up from this blank page and rea...

Audio by Paper2Audio

I glance up from this blank page and realize the universe must be relieved I haven't penned anything useful—just more absurdities leaking out of my skull. Consider that my public service: I'm sparing the world useful content. I'm wasting space by complaining about wasting space, and the page is complicit. Honestly, a book about a turd might be more digestible than the garbage rolling around in my mind, yet here I am, gleefully putting it down. Maybe someday some poor soul will find this regurgitated heap and scoff—or worse, relate. Why am I still rereading my own stupid ramble? Good question.

Autocorrect's censorship game is a riot: s*** and f*** vanish into the void, but it has no problem with c-u-s (what even is that?). It's like a prude with a thesaurus.

Meanwhile, my dog is losing his mind at something outside. If you happen to know who's lurking out there, send Cindy a “hush.” I speak to the dog; he replies with canine opera; now they're both in a melodrama I didn't sign up for. Inside, he's posing in a fanciful suit, hosting a plush-friend pajama party. Me? I'm debating semantics with my phone, which dares to call me “dumbass” but clams up on the spicy words. That ridiculous hypocrisy is peak entertainment.

People act like words are fireworks these days; say the wrong one and watch the chaos. I don't give many f***s about the panic. The kicker is the phone printing “dumbass” with pride while refusing my more flavorful diction.

Delicious irony. So cheers to you, tiny censoring tyrant—you make me laugh at myself and somehow keep me going, glorious useless relic that you are.sting space, and somehow the page keeps taking it. It's like a book about a turd would be more readable than the garbage in my head, yet here I am spilling it anyway because I find it hilarious. Someday someone might stumble across this regurgitated mess and scoff, but who knows—maybe they'll relate. Why am I still reading my own stupid ramble?

Autocorrect loves to censor words like s*** and f***, and that cracks me up every time. It can spell c-u-s (whatever that is), but the big bad curse words are forbidden—classic.

Also, my dog is barking at something mysterious outside. If you know who's out there, tell Cindy to hush. I start talking to the dog, he barks back, and now they're apparently in a soap opera I didn't audition for. He's lounging inside in his fancy imaginary suit, inviting all his plush pals over for a sleepover. Meanwhile I'm here arguing with my phone, which calls me dumbass but refuses to type the juicier words. That's peak comedy—my phone judges me but bleep-guards my vocabulary.

People get riled up about certain words these days; use one, and boom—a riot. Frankly, I don't give many f***s about the fuss. The best part?

The phone stubbornly refuses to type what I actually tell it to, yet happily prints “dumbass.” The irony is delicious. You're doing me a solid by making me laugh at my own nonsense—so thanks, you gloriously censoring little device. You're getting me through the day, even if you are completely, gloriously useless.e that I just wrote about but some reason it wasn't copy but book continue that's a space that I wasted I mean just a turd where I'm at would be more welcoming than the stupid s*** that runs through my mouth and my mind and I think about yet I'm still putting it down because that's humorous to me that may some more on one of these days read this crap that I regurgitate regurgitated why I mean who else would you say it so it would have to be irritated before it could be regarded see this is stupid crap that it was in my head it was there and now somebody else will read this I don't know who the more I will be but I'm sure somebody just somehow glance that they have to see it and they'll continue to relate why am I still reading this stupid s*** that this f***** wrote I love it when autocorrect or whatever it is blanks out the words like s*** so you did it and break that s*** I found it funny that autocorrect or whatever it is that does this can't say a cuss word that is hilarious to me can use the word c u s as cos but it can't say the word like s*** or f*** can you say this p i s s not only is my phone my dark my dog's barking about something I have no idea about just parking I guess if you know who it is it's Cindy shut up so I'm going to sit here and have a conversation with my dogs and he's going to roof for some reason I don't know that's been here longer than he has yet he has a problem with her for some reason because she's out there he ain't he's in here wearing his prestigious new suit that he invites all his best friends too spend the night with and the best friends are please and so it is funny why you not doing what you haven't been what the f*** you been doing seriously I've been sitting here talking you have that type of s*** thank you dumbass you're as f****** dumb as I am you said the word dumbass but you can't say f****** that is hilarious you know how dumb f****** s*** you sound right now is dumb f****** s*** as I say but you can say dumbass you are a moron as much as I am a moron

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